"The View Beyond The Balcony" by Randy Weeks
I was sitting on a bench on the Courthouse lawn, quietly working on a Local Voice crossword puzzle (the easier one) when a guy dressed in what looked like Frank Gorshin as The Riddler in the campy Batman TV series from the late 1960s, jacked up on Ritalin and Red Bull, plopped down next to me, looked at my puzzle, pointed to the spaces I was pondering, and said, “Hey! A crossword! Let’s see: ‘Largest state in the contiguous United States.’ five letters, last one an ‘S’. Texas! It’s Texas, cowboy!”
Annoyed, I said, “I like to do my crossword puzzles without unsolicited help, thank you very much,” and continued with the puzzle, pissed off though because I knew it had been ruined.
What? You don’t want my help?
Nope.
Look. I’ve been doing crosswords for decades and, if you let me play, I’ll give you a whole book of them.
No thanks.
Aw, you’ve gotta make time for things you enjoy, cowboy! I can get you a subscription to a daily crossword puzzle. It’s free for the first 30 days and only thirty cents a day after that! (In a barely audible whisper) After 90 days it’s a dollar a day with a three-year commitment.
What part of “no” don’t you understand? Scat!
(He got up to leave then spun on his heels and plopped down next to me again.)
Okay. What about this . . . You like movie soundtracks.
What makes you think that?
Oh, I don’t think. I know. I know a lot of things about you. You like frozen yogurt, too.
How do you know that?
I keep up with you and things you like and don’t like.
You’ve been spying on me?
I prefer to call it “research” or “data gathering.” Now, if you don’t want the crossword subscription I can get you some car insurance for 30% less than you’re paying now!
And you know how much I’m paying for my insurance?
$156.03 per month.
How . . . how do you know that?
Like I said, I know things.
Get the hell outta here! (He got up, walked around the bench, and sat by me again.) I screamed, “GET. THE. HELL. AWAY. FROM. ME!”
Okay, okay! You don’t hafta be so rude. I’ll go, but before I do, Could I interest you in a 24-carrot gold MAGA coin? It has President Trump’s orange profile on the front and a Trump-autographed golf ball on the back.
ABSOFREAKINLUTELY NOT! SKEDADDLE!
Skeedaddle! What a great word! You love wordplay, don’t you! I’ve got an entire collection of wordplay books! Punsteritis! Oxymoratory! Malapromologies! Sinonyms! Auntienyms! Onomatopeeuses! Quadruple Entendriacs! And so much more!
NO! NO! NO!!! GO! GO! GO!!!
You say “No and go” but I know you mean “Yes and stay”! Why, you’d be a fool to pass on these once-in-a-lifetime deals!
Then a fool I’ll be!
Okay! I’m going I’m going. But I want to introduce you to my sister. She’s got some other great deals for you. Here she is! Say hello to Merry Pop-up!
I’m closing my eyes and counting to three. When I open them, I want you both gone! (I closed my eyes, counted to three, and opened them. The flashy guy was gone, but Merry, dressed in a skintight bodysuit like Batman’s Catwoman, purred with a smoky voice.)
Hi there, sexy cowboy. Are you lonely, sweetie? I’ll bet you are and have I got good news for you!
(My head in my hands) No. Please, Lord! Make her go away!
Now, honey pie, I want you to sign up on one of my dating sites. I’ve got sites for seniors, sites for middle-aged men and women, sites for young adults, and sites with foreign women – or men, if that’s what you prefer. All of them are waiting for someone just like you, and the sites are only $30 per month each. Now, dearie, which ones would you like?
(Hitting both temples over and over and over with my fists, I screamed.) Oy veh! Oy veh! OY VEH!!!
Mary Pop-up purred and licked my neck.
…and that’s the View Beyond The Balcony.
Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, singer-songwriter, and an ordained minister. He thinks a Nobel prize should be given to the person who figures out how to get rid of pop-ups once and for all. Randy may be reached at randallsweeks@gmail.com.
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