Published on January 14th, 2015 | by WTF News0
TLV Satire: Developers to Construct Second-Story Neighborhood in Wells Gate
Wells Gate proudly announced this week that city officials had approved Finamoni Investment Group to construct a second-story neighborhood above the existing development. Citing an unprecedented demand to reside in the fastest growing neighborhood in central Lafayette County, Ernesto Finamoni, CEO of Finamoni Investment Group, outlined a four-year project worth $112 million while presenting to the Board of Aldermen on Tuesday. The developer expects current and future residents to flock once the current 4,039 lots on the first floor are full.
“If you’re not currently living in Wells Gate or planning to move to Wells Gate, then you’re oblivious and will plan to move to Wells Gate in the near future,” said Finamoni.
95% of Lafayette County remains unadulterated land yet hundreds upon thousands of families continue to descend upon the 200 acres of prime Mississippi tea. Few could argue with this assessment considering the coveted bass fishing lakes and the unicorn breeding barn located north of the champagne-encrusted ice skating rink. Wells Gate residents are reasonably concerned the timetable doesn’t matchup with their expectations.
“If you ask me four years is five too long,” said Harrison Dolson, a short time resident of the nine-time Neighborhood of the Neighborhood Award nominee. “We’ve been begging for more houses in the neighborhood since we moved here four seconds from now.”
Finamoni Investment Group plans to construct the new development with advanced engineering technology yet to be seen in these parts. Though the design is revolutionary in concept, the developer is confident any random passerby on Highway 6 will be astounded by its marvel.
“We plan to fill our elevated construction cookie sheet with brick, mortar, two-car garages, igloo doghouses, etc. and bake at 475 degrees for approximately three and a half years and let the market cool for several months,” said Finamoni. “Once done, we’ll drizzle landscaping and a subscription to the Oxford Monthly Flavor daily newspaper onto the houses before finally slapping the pan softly in preparation of mass consumption.”
Though the developers assure potential buyers that no house will look alike, they’ll each have the same square footage, be perfectly symmetrical and be extremely hazardous during mild tornados. As the population continues to increase so will the demand to live in one neighborhood and one neighborhood only.
This article was originally printed in The Local Voice #220 (published January 8, 2015).
To download a PDF of this issue, click here.