Random things I’ve heard or read—mostly on The Balcony.
Most of the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
• Be patient with me. My brain is buffering. • Oh my God! I birthed a ginger! • He’s talking in cursive. • The king was heartily in his cups. (Rumi) • Two inches from heaven. • You can do anything you want as long as you don’t get caught. • He is not freshly divorced. • I broke the seal on the cheese. • Alien abduction: Alien adduction. • The carpet was soft and giving. • It was my sister’s Honda. • I don’t have enough gas to get to Slidell. • Congratulations. You managed to keep my attention for another year. • She’s a Water Valley woman. • Fauxsectomy. • Every time I’ve worn a little black dress it went well. • “Button up your shirt,” she said. “You’re showing too much of your chest.” “Unbutton your shirt,” he said. “You’re not showing enough.” • Plasma woman. • “Autumn has caught us in our Summer wear.” (Philip Larkin, British poet) • Unkindness of the heart because of money. • I’m a bad vegan. • The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. (Gloria Steinem) • Living is stupid. • Obituary: Obitchuary • Is being from Mississippi a disability? • So nobody’s gonna be mad when that panhandle falls off Florida? • He’s dumb. He’s really truly stupid. I love him. • I majored in The Gin.• I’m a bisexual straight person. Who the hell isn’t? • Habitual Balcony attendance. • Just let everyone be wrong about you. • Men are different from cats. • She’s conventionally unconventional. • I shouldn’t suck as a person. I have to live with myself. • I definitely smell a little buffalo in there. (Mo Tuck)
• I collect sunsets, not people. (Smiley) • Sorry about your penis. (Rapunzel de la Rouge) • I finally came to trust my children. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Brick) • I’m publicly reclusive. • I’m in an orthopedically induced existential crisis. • Borrow someone else’s calm. • That’s about as appropriate as pork chops in a synagogue. • Any tool can be the right tool. (Jobar) • Prone to propagate. Prone to pontificate. • It was a classic case of consonants. • I had a great day until I got up from bed at 3 o’clock this afternoon. (Mo Tuck) • I’ve still got a soul to sell. (Yazoo Jones) • I don’t want to see the horror. I want to BE the horror. • I’m not a purist. I’m just stupid. (Boudreaux Schopenhauer) • It’s hard to be the transgressor. (Cormack McCarthy) • It was a dream and I want in. • I don’t know if I can use it, but I’m not putting it in there. • Just because it has a light doesn’t mean it’s Christmas. • Some lumps stay. • I’ll be my own rainbow today. • I decided to join you while you were gone. • I have a zero kill rate. • She’s a steel magnolia with sharp edges. • He beat me in a lovingly manner. • We gave cash because it was a disposable gift for a disposable marriage. • I took a selfie with my dead grandpa. • I don’t like that he was more famous than I thought. (Boudreaux Schopenhauer) • He’s all about the Zen. Isn’t that better than being all about the sin? • Me and David were talking about doing acid and hallucinogens at lunch. Not that we took them. We was just talking about it. • The only way to be in control of what happens in the future is to remain in control of what happens today. • I’m walking through the closets of my mind. • Why can’t I just be a bitch like everybody else? • He’s an a**hole with good intentions. • It’s dangerous to forget, it’s dangerous to remember, because then you have to do something. (Lou Gossett Jr. in Jasper Texas) • Kindness goes a long way. • Moderation in all things—especially moderation. • How do you syndicate crime? • I am a void. • I really hate on unearned atheism. (Boudreaux Schopenhauer) • I’m a farce of nature. • You’ve got a catitude. • It’s funny to have a cucumber in my purse. • This is my resting bitch face. • Judgment is a hobby for some people and a profession for others. • She’s had a spiritual bypass. • We gotta have a pre-nup so it’s all about love.
Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. You’d be surprised what he keeps in his phone. Then, again, maybe you wouldn’t be. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org