"The View Beyond The Balcony" by Randy Weeks
On Wednesday night, November 4, having survived the incessant and utterly exhausting pummeling of political commercials and Election Day itself, I found myself completely worn to a frazzle. My head had hardly hit the pillow before I fell into a sleep Rip Van Winkle would have envied.
In my comatose slumber I dreamed a dream. An elephant and a donkey were sitting on the Lafayette County courthouse steps, drinking Guinness Black Lager, and talking. It was after midnight, so they decided to let it all hang down. Me? I sneaked through the bushes, just close enough to hear their conversation. The elephant was crying and the donkey was trying to console it.
Donkey (patting the elephant on its trunk): There, there, Ellie. I know how you feel. I’ve been there, too. (Donk wiped Ellie’s tears away with a towel and held it for Ellie, who blew his trunk clean. It was quite the noise and quite the mess),
Ellie: But y’all’s Blue Wave means for the first time since 2011 we won’t control Congress.
Donk: I know, I know. But hey, it’s only two years. You’ll get another chance.
Yeah, but now y’all are gonna undo all the things we’ve done.
We’re gonna do our best.
(Ellie wailed and opened another Guinness.)
You’re gonna impeach everyone!
Now, now, Ellie. Not everyone. Just the ones we don’t agree with.
That’s just about everyone!
Pretty much, but once you get shellacked like you did, there’s no way to go but up. But don’t worry. We’ll listen to all you have to say before we vote you down. If you’re a good pachyderm, we’ll throw a few peanuts your way.
(Ellie wailed and opened another Guinness.)
What’s Mikey gonna do?
Mikey? You mean “The Johnson”? Don’t worry. He’ll slither away and hide under some rocks. He’s all about surviving.
What about RFK, Jr.? Petie? Y’all gonna impeach them?
Naw. We’re gonna exile them to an island ruled by transgender people with measles and whooping cough and no vaccines.
(Ellie wailed and opened another Guinness.)
Ellie! Lighten up! Y’all have done some good things, like tax cuts. You’ve helped people keep more of their money in their pockets, which, by the way, they need since gas and beef prices are soaring. You set up educational accounts for children under 18. You’ve outlawed deepfake revenge porn. Y’all stopped making pennies. That’s not a nickel-and-dime accomplishment. Impeach them all? Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent.
You’re not?
No. But we are gonna melt a lot of ICE. We’re gonna put a halt to all the vanity projects of the Pwesident. We’re gonna re-establish the voting rights that SCROTUS made limp.
You’re probably gonna fill the Cabinet with people like Hillary, Biden, Obama, De Niro, Pete Buddhajig, and Paula Poundstone.
(Ellie wailed and opened another Guinness.)
Let me walk you home, Ellie. You’re drunk.
You think you can hold me up?
I’ve been trying to hold you back for years. If you’ll cooperate and follow my lead, I’ll hold you up, get you home, and tuck you in for at least a two-year sleep.
You know where I live?
Of course I do, Ellie. We live under the same domed roof. Different rooms, but the same house.
(Ellie wailed and opened another Guinness.)
Look, Ellie. I’m not gonna kick you when you’re down—at least not hard. By the way, I brought some gifts for you. Open this box.
(Ellie opened the box.)
A blue velvet blanket! A bluegrass CD! A blues CD! Two pairs of blue suede shoes! A pair of extra-large-to-the-hundredth-power blue jeans! A case of Blue Moon beer! I love you, Donk! I owe you. I’ll do anything you ask me to! Anything!
That’s what I like to hear. Now open one more Guinness, Ellie. Here’s a bag of peanuts. Let’s go home.
One last thing, Donk: Mississippi?
Too close to call today, but the state may be about to get a Colomoscopy.
(Ellie wailed and opened another Guinness.)
Donk steadied Ellie as they stumbled into the night, singing:
“Show me the way to go home. I’m tired and I wanna go to bed…”
…and that’s the View from Beyond The Balcony.
Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Telemental Health Provider, Certified Shamanic Life Coach, ordained minister, singer-songwriter, actor, and writer. He likes Blue Moon beer and peanuts.
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