Published on March 27th, 2012 | by TLV News0
TLV Satire: Poor Economy Threatens Developer’s Ability to Ruin Oxford’s Small-Town Vibe
Oxford, Miss. (WTF) – Citing recent government reports that show the nation’s housing market is far from recovering, Stan Mabry, 34, says he may be forced to choose a different career path. The Brentwood, Tennessee, native has spent the last nine years trying to saturate the Oxford real estate market with hastily-built condominiums in areas that were once home to wildlife and nature trails. Despite his best efforts, the town may stay its current size and retain its appeal unless something miraculous happens within the next couple of months.
“It’s really hard out here for an overzealous real estate developer when you consider the national trends. Nobody’s spending outrageous prices for plots of land where historical houses once sat,” the bleached blond SMU alum said. “It’s really a shame.”
Figures show that while prices remain high in Lafayette County, only a handful of new homes were sold in 2011. Many analysts predict only a few percentage points will separate this year’s numbers from the last. Mabry believes it could potentially be the downfall for other schmucks like him.
“I arrived here 10 years ago without knowing anything about the history surrounding this town or its university. I didn’t know about The Grove or William Faulkner,” he said while fidgeting with his Rolex watch, “and I still don’t. Those concepts are foreign to me, but I know a good deal when I see one, and boy did I see one.”
Mabry quickly seized on the opportunity to construct condominiums wherever a bulldozer could reach. He was thoroughly disappointed when city officials refused to let him renovate Rowan Oak into a bed and breakfast.
“I thought these guys could be bought. What happened to the American way? I think I know. It starts with Bah and ends with rock Obama.”
Instead, Mabry focused on convincing struggling landowners in less fortunate parts of the city to sell their land at what was considered fair value. In many cases, Mabry realized 80% returns on investments once he sweet-talked them into giving away property that had been in their families for generations.
“It was like stealing candy from a baby; a dumb southern baby,” Mabry boasted, “ But now that the market has sunk, I’m stuck living off of the millions I made in the past decade. Poverty sucks.”
(from TLV #152 :: http://www.thelocalvoice.net/LocalVoice-PDFs/TLV-152-web.pdf)