Satire

Published on November 17th, 2014 | by WTF News

0

WTF News: “John Currence Opens New McDonald’s to Rave Reviews”

WTFNewsWiderWTF News by Sherman Smithers

Oxford, Miss. (WTF) – Only weeks after transforming Lamar Lounge into Oxford’s most talked about BBQ joint, Chef John Currence has done it again by pleasing his loyal Foodie followers with the opening of McDonald’s; a classic American diner with a modern and sophisticated twist.

McDonald’s is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week and also features a breakfast menu. Currence hopes all Oxonians will enjoy his latest endeavor.

“This didn’t happen overnight. Without local support, I’d be nowhere. You gotta eat local to keep this type of dream alive,” Currence said as he meticulously examined a small kid’s toy as it was placed in a Happy Meal.

The restaurant is located on South Lamar across from Baptist Memorial Hospital and has a gated outdoor patio, a dazzling play- ground and a drive-thru for those hurried and hungry. Inside Oxford’s newest treasure, patrons can quickly order with assistance from the giant glossy menus angled ever so slightly for their convenience. The walls are adorned with photographs from the “good ‘ole days” of Oxford and even include wacky animated characters such as a red-headed clown and an anthropomorphic purple blob.

The menu, meanwhile, is focused on honesty and integrity. Instead of overwhelming your senses with nuanced and excessively calculated options, Currence’s McDonald’s keeps it simple – burgers, chicken sandwiches, fish sandwiches – and does it right. For example, the clientele won’t be burdened with choosing between waffle fries or seasoned fries. Currence rocks the boat with boldly salted potatoes sliced perfectly, served in a petite cardboard box.

McDonald’s reintroduces the burger by crafting several variants with weight in mind; but not your weight. For those wanting a light meal with an invigorating blend of red meat and undisclosed meat, try the Quarter Pounder. Needing an extra push? Try the Double Quarter Pounder. Want to try Currence’s signature entree? The Big Mac is where it’s at.

JohnCurrenceMcDonalds“The intoxicating juices seeping from the Big Mac will sucker punch your salivary glands,” gushed John T. Edge, director of the Southern Foodways Alliance. “Plus, the casual, kinetic vibe of McDonald’s completely gels with the flavorful food Currence is so famous for dishing out.”

Tourists from all over have already descended on the restaurant as numerous national media outlets continue to praise the dining experience.

“This
 isn’t just extraordinary,” writes Sam Brownnoser of the Huffington Post. “This is extraordinary with a dash of sweet tea pudding wrapped in a fried grit apple pie whiskey drink.”

“First there was food,” begins Brett Anderson in a recent The Times-Picayune review. “Then there was John Currence’s McDonald’s.”

“I think I see a Beard in the near future,” writes New York Magazine food critic Gael Greene in a recent tweet after visiting the restaurant. “And it’s not just the curly hairs sticking out of my McFlurry. It’s as if Currence can do no wrong.” The Local Voice Ligature


This article was originally printed in The Local Voice #140 (published September 22, 2011).

 

TLV Satire: Developers to Construct Second-Story Neighborhood in Wells Gate
WTF News: "Brotherhood of the Traveling Futon Thrown Into the Dumpster"

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


About the Author



Leave a Reply

Back to Top ↑