April Fools

Published on March 31st, 2016 | by WTF News

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Shepard Smith purchases Oxford, Mississippi newspaper, The Local Voice

Oxford, Miss. (WTF) ‒ Shepard Smith, longtime Fox News anchor and Ole Miss superfan, entered into an agreement with The Local Voice on Monday to purchase the Oxford, Mississippi based newspaper and all of its assets for an undisclosed amount.

The Mississippi-born New Yorker said the deal will increase his ties to his home state and provide much needed structure to a publication beset by recent internal struggles and alleged illegal activity. WTFNewsWider

“Nothing is hotter right now than print journalism,”  Smith said. “When I discovered that the most respected news outlet in north Mississippi was for sale, I called my financial adviser and told him to book a trip to God’s country‒Oxford.”

“He asked me if I was still awake from the night before, but I laughed him off,”  Smith continued. “I mean, yeah, I hadn’t slept in 32 hours, but I know a bargain when I see one.”

When asked about accusations that The Local Voice was home to an underground casino and spa, Smith had no further comment.

In December 2015, former employees of the newspaper made updates on social media describing the work environment as “Little Reno” and “a cubicle trapped inside the Devil’s throat while the Devil is trying to cough-up phlegm but it just won’t come out.”

Disputes between the current Editor-in-Chief, Nature Humphries, and Publisher, Newt Rayburn, have also been noted in recent editorials and classified advertisements.

A posting in The Local Voice July 4th edition asked “Wanna work and gamble in Hell? Come to The Local Voice and meet the publisher aka devil incarnate (sic)” and included the Editor-in-Chief’s home phone number.

Sources close to the negotiations say that talks nearly stalled when the Editor-in-Chief threatened to “crop dust” the room if anyone uttered a word that ended in a vowel. This behavior along with the Publisher’s refusal to wear clothing during an initial meeting with attorneys gave Smith pause.

In a letter to Local Voice employees, in which Smith acknowledged that the newspaper had plenty of room for improvement, he noted that the paper’s leadership “was under review.”

He also stated that the future of the publication was brighter than ever.

“Everyone knows that the internet is yesterday’s darling, but that physical media is tomorrow’s crush,”  Shepard said emphatically.

“We’ll hand-write hard-hitting stories if we have to. We won’t back down;  We won’t quit…and we won’t sleep!” The Local Voice Ligature

APRIL FOOLS! The Local Voice has not been sold. This article is a work of satire & fiction authored by Sherman Smithers. It’s local entertainment, y’all…

Shep Smith TLV_WEB

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