It happened last week—three to five inches of snow and the most frigid temperatures I’ve ever seen in Mississippi—subfreezing highs and lows in the single digits. Thank heavens we didn’t have an ice storm. Thank heavens it wasn’t a pandemic, but it sure triggered memories of the COVID crisis for many.
I have diagnosed this event as an Acute Snow Disorder. The only reason it’s not PTSD (Posttraumatic Snow Disorder) is that it hasn’t lasted long enough (one month) to qualify. That being said, symptoms sometimes emerge later, so we’re not out of the woods yet.
If you think you might be suffering from Acute Snow Disorder (ASD), here are some of the symptoms:
- Following a snow event the initial reaction is one of wonder and joy, unless you are a utility worker, a truck driver, or work for any street department.
- The wonderment lasts for two or three days or until you find yourself running out of milk, toilet paper, bread, and alcohol.
- You realize that while you don’t have to go to the office, you are now responsible for your own children who love playing in the snow and insist on you playing with them, typically leading to runny noses, which may develop into a full-fledged cold, bronchitis, strep throat, and whiny-ass children who will not eat their chicken noodle soup, which you have run out of anyway.
- Within a week, many children and parents experience extreme fearful reactions to snow globes, often resulting in bat s**t crazy violence against said snow globes.
- Frantic attempts to replenish food and other necessities, leading to spinning automobiles and downed mailboxes, as well as crushed bumpers and tailgates.
- Severe shock for those who actually reach the grocery store and find the shelves as bare as those of Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard, with no milk, bread, toilet paper, or alcohol. This can be exacerbated should you find three blind mice in the cupboard having died of starvation. In extreme cases some choose to fry or bake the mice into crispy critters so as not to succumb to starvation themselves.
- Severe panic attacks when you can find no pizza delivery within 25 miles.
- Ferocious melees (May lays) when a shopper finds any of the above-mentioned items hidden behind other grocery supplies.
- Nightmares of being trapped in a snowbank with three or more young children with ADHD.
- Complete mental breakdowns as a result of being trapped inside for three or more days with children who have ADHD.
- Extreme horror when pets need to go out for an ice pee.
- Otherwise sane young men “urine-writing” their names in the snow. Old guys do the same, but in Morse code.
- Existential angst when your snowman realizes he is really a snowwoman and you have to do the surgery.
- Running out of sugar to make snow ice cream.
- In adults, a rabid, desperate desire for daycares and schools to reopen.
- Delusionally humming Christmas songs and putting up Christmas decorations while drinking copious amounts of eggnog with rum chasers.
- Wearing swimsuits and creating an indoor island to try to Zen your way through.
- Flashbacks and homicidal urges every time you hear anyone say, “I wish it would snow!”
Remember, my friends: Acute Snow Disorder is nothing to be sneezed at.
…and that’s the View from The Balcony.
Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. Randy may be reached at email@example.com as soon as he thaws out.