{"id":84788,"date":"2020-02-26T08:58:42","date_gmt":"2020-02-26T14:58:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=84788"},"modified":"2020-02-26T12:59:43","modified_gmt":"2020-02-26T18:59:43","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-leon-succombs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-leon-succombs\/","title":{"rendered":"The View from the Balcony: “Leon Succombs”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

My good friend, Leon, a very inciteful man, doesn\u2019t exactly cotton to holidays.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Leon was a wee lad, he was the smallest child in his church. Leon got drafted to play Little Baby Jesus in their live Nativity scene. When they were wrapping him up in swaddling clothes his arms got stuck inside the material. They wrapped him so tightly that his face got beet red. He looked like a cardinal wrapped in a floured tortilla. Little Baby Jesus Leon\u2019s manger was in close proximity to the donkey\u2019s ass. Two days prior the donkey had gotten into some soured hay and developed colic. The choir of angels was singing \u201cAway in a Manger.\u201d When they got to the line, \u201c\u2026but little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes\u2026\u201d the donkey let loose a burst of flatulence with the force of a ten-megaton methane bomb.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once he got his breath, Leon wailed at the top of his lungs. Mary tried to shush him. Nothing doing. Joseph slapped his hand over Leon\u2019s mouth, which might have worked if Leon hadn\u2019t just gotten his full set of baby teeth. Little Baby Jesus Leon bit the bejeezus out of Joseph\u2019s hand. Joseph jerked his hand back, but the four teeth Joseph ripped from the jaws of eternal live dug deep and hit a bleeder. Joseph screamed, \u201cDamn you little s**t!\u201d and absconded to the ER. That was the last time Leon\u2019s church had a live Nativity scene. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A couple of years later, Leon wanted a bunny for Easter. Leon\u2019s parents begrudgingly obliged him. They put Leon\u2019s Easter basket in the cage with the bunny. After Leon loved on the bunny a while, he went for the mini malted milk balls scattered liberally throughout the basket. Leon was a dozen balls in before it struck him: these weren\u2019t mini malted milk balls at all. That night they had fried rabbit for dinner. Leon just ate more mini malted milk balls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leon despises St. Valentine\u2019s Day, a holiday created by Hallmark to sell cards and spread guilt. Up front Leon told his main squeeze, No Account Annie, that he didn\u2019t observe St. Valentine\u2019s Day\u2015the massacre excluded.
Thank goodness for friends like Shawty, Doctor of Juris Impudence. Addie confided in Shawty that, despite Leon\u2019s aversion to St. Valentine\u2019s Day, she had gotten him a card and a gift and planned to surprise him. Shawty, being the sly fox that she is, gave Leon a head\u2019s up. Leon, frustrated as hell over No Account Addie\u2019s turncoatitis, went Krogering for a card and some expensive chocolate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The day before St. Valentine\u2019s Day Kroger was overflowing with the hapless, next-to-the-last-minute gifters. All the St. Valentine\u2019s Day cards were gone, so Leon got one of those blank any-damn-occasion-you-please cards and some Milli Vanilli chocolate. He met Shawty on The Balcony for her approval and discovered that the chocolate didn\u2019t make it to the bag. Shawty told Leon in no uncertain terms to get his scrawny ass back to Kroger and get that Milli Vanilli chocolate and some flowers, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leon flew back and got the chocolate, but the only flowers were two dried up begonias. He decided to get mylar balloons instead, but all that was left were three \u201cFeel Better Soon\u201d balloons. He bought them anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Back on The Balcony, Shawty was exasperated. With firm finger punctuation in Leon\u2019s chest she screamed, \u201cTHERE-AIN\u2019T-NO-DAMN-HOPE-FOR-YOU-LEEE-ON!\u201d She stomped the hell out of Leon\u2019s right foot with one of her six-inch spiked heels, spun around, and marched out of the bar, leaving Leon writhing in pain, existential and otherwise. On the way home, Leon picked some Black-eyed Susans from the side of the road.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next morning No Account Addie gave Leon a syrupy Helen Steiner Rice Hallmark card and a pair of Taco Bell fire socks. Leon shed a few tears. Addie thought that maybe Leon was getting sentimental. Leon knew it was the shooting pain in his right foot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Leon had written a poem in Addie\u2019s blank card:
\u201cMy love for you will ever flow
Like water down a tater row.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He gave her the card, the Milli Vanilli chocolates, the balloons, and the Black-eyed Susans. Addie took a bite of the chocolate and leaned in to Leon. She put her left foot on top of Leon\u2019s right foot and applied enough pressure to make Leon wince and tear up again. She whispered, \u201cNext year start a little earlier, Leona, or you might start finding rabbit pellets in your Cocoa Puffs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leon\u2019s Post-Traumatic Rabbit Pellet Stress Disorder kicked in. He swallowed hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Addie added, \u201cAnd Shawty\u2019s gonna crush both your feet next time.\u201d
That\u2019s the story of how Leon succumbed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and that\u2019s The View from The Balcony. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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