{"id":73266,"date":"2019-03-06T20:49:53","date_gmt":"2019-03-07T02:49:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=73266"},"modified":"2019-03-06T20:50:02","modified_gmt":"2019-03-07T02:50:02","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-how-ya-doin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-how-ya-doin\/","title":{"rendered":"The View from the Balcony: How Ya Doin’?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

(Warning:\nThis column contains an excessive number of open and closed quotation marks, as\nwell as a plethora of parenthetical phrases.)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We polite Southerners\u2014and even some of the impolite ones\u2014are apt to greet each other by saying, \u201cHow ya doin\u2019\u201d, or words to that effect (How ya durn? Whassup?). It\u2019s called \u201cbeing nice\u201d and if there\u2019s anything good we\u2019re known for down here it\u2019s being nice. (It is important to note that \u201cbeing nice\u201d is not the same as \u201cmaking nice\u201d. \u201cBeing nice\u201d is about being courteous, kind, and using good manners. \u201cMaking nice\u201d is about treating someone with civility, even after they have gutted you with a filet knife or somesuch. I have a pretty great joke about nice but it has to be told, not read.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Typical responses to \u201cThe Question\u201d include: \u201cFine. How are you?\u201d, \u201cCan\u2019t complain,\u201d \u201cBetter than I deserve\u201d (a la Dave Ramsey), \u201cAny day above ground is a good day,\u201d and one I use often\u2014\u201cNot bad for an old guy.\u201d I have grown weary of all those. Can\u2019t we be a bit more creative? For the last couple of years I\u2019ve been on a mission\u2014a quest, if you will (Cue up \u201cThe Impossible Dream\u201d and fire up the windmills), to come up with a better response to \u201cHow ya doin’?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

As we all know, \u201cHow ya doin\u2019?\u201d is largely rhetorical. Few inquisitors really want to know how you are and if you start telling them how you really<\/em> are, they suddenly remember they\u2019re supposed to meet a friend at Cups in five minutes and it\u2019s a very personal meeting so, no, as much as they\u2019d love to visit with you, you can\u2019t tag along. The ones who do care don\u2019t care enough to really listen to your troubles. A gaggle of people just don\u2019t give a hoot in a handbasket.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few nights ago two of my Balcony friends and I had a marvelous conversation about this, parts of which I am about to share with you. The list of alternative responses to \u201cHow ya doin\u2019?\u201d is not exhaustive (exhausting, perhaps, but not exhaustive).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am particularly fond of the Eastwoodian (as in Clint) approach: Take a slow, deep breath (if you\u2019re a smoker you\u2019ve got an advantage here because you can always take a draw on your pipe or a drag off your cigarette or cigar), look thoughtfully out into space, turn back to the inquisitor, squint your eyes, and say quietly, intensely, and with a slow cadence,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWho\u2019s askin\u2019?\u201d or \u201cWho wants to know?\u201d or \u201cWhy?\u201d or \u201cDo you always ask such personal questions?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ice-cold stare with no words is a great option, too, as long as you can pull off the set-up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or you can actually begin to tell them your problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy are you asking? You don\u2019t give a damn about me. Okay, I\u2019ll tell you how I am. I just got fired from my job, my spouse is ready to divorce me, my roof leaks, and my dawg just bit me. So how do you think<\/em><\/strong> I am, punk?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Oxford you can\u2019t use\n\u201cWhy? You writin\u2019 a book?\u201d because nearly everybody is. But you could use a\nvariation on the colorful, descriptive Southern response. With an exaggerated\ndrawl and, again, a very slow cadence, you could say something like, \u201cI\u2019m as\neuphoric as a gopher tortoise sittin\u2019 on a log in a scum-covered pond at high\nnoon on a July afternoon.\u201d Or if you\u2019re not doing all that well, \u201cMuch to my\nchagrin, I find myself in a pit of confounding consternation that is as deep\nand dark as the black hole that our current Commander in Chief refers to as his\nheart.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe you have a better\ncomeback. I\u2019d love to hear it. Until then I\u2019ll just ask for a wee bit of\nclarification when you ask me \u201cHow ya doin\u2019?\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo you mean physically,\nmentally, spiritually, relationally, educationally, socially, occupationally, financially,\nor otherwise? I got an answer for \u2018em all.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do I hear a call for\nthe return of \u201cDon\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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