{"id":64055,"date":"2019-01-17T09:12:29","date_gmt":"2019-01-17T15:12:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=64055"},"modified":"2019-01-16T16:14:57","modified_gmt":"2019-01-16T22:14:57","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-2019-predictions-from-the-balcony-by-randy-weeks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-2019-predictions-from-the-balcony-by-randy-weeks\/","title":{"rendered":"The View from the Balcony: 2019 Predictions from The Balcony by Randy Weeks"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

It\u2019s the time of year when people start putting their New Year\u2019s resolutions into action. The vast majority will fail within three months. I didn\u2019t make any, so if I have any success in 2019 I come out a winner. (Don\u2019t you love my logic?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I do have, though, are my New Year\u2019s predictions and they come from a most reputable source. When I went to bed on New Year\u2019s Eve I quickly went into dreamland where I was met by none else but Nostradamus himself. The 16th<\/sup> century French prophet is known for his amazingly accurate predictions. Some of his predictions for 2019 are that we\u2019ll have a third world war, an asteroid will destroy much of the population, there will be battles fought over limited resources, and, the Dr. Dolittle effect: people talking to animals. (He wrote, \u201cThe pigs will become brothers to man.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, ole Nostri gave me a taste of what he\u2019d been drinking, and, lo and behold, I saw the future, too\u2014but in a much more limited fashion. So here are a few of my predictions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Due to budget cuts, the OPD equestrian squad will begin using stick horses. Heigh-ho, Woodie, away!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Square Books will excavate a huge basement beneath the Courthouse to sell previously undiscovered books from discarded manuscripts of famous writers. The prize capture so far is John Grisham\u2019s first attempt at writing a novel at age eight\u2014the Looney Tunes inspired mystery, The Coyote<\/em>. Also featured will be Ace Atkins\u2019 jettisoned foray into science fiction and religion, Space Chaplains<\/em>. The name of the new store? Under-the-Square Books.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Yalobusha Brewing Company will launch a new beer delivery system called \u201cDrunk Drones.\u201d I predict that it\u2019s gonna fly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Frye & Reeves arm bands\nsponsored will be equipped with sensors that tell you when you\u2019ve had too much\nto drink, and will automatically call a cab and your mother. In a related\ndevelopment, the OPD will set up a substation in The Library. The \u201cI Got Booked\nin The Library\u201d mug shots will go viral.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ron Shapiro will be voted \u201cOxford\u2019s Favorite Townie for Life.\u201d (Stupid me thought that had already been done.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lyric Theater will begin requiring that every person attending events must bring their own security escort. Cobra Security will change its name to Cobra Security and Escort Service, making Oxford the capital of escort services in the South. The tax proceeds will far exceed the revenue from Ole Miss football, even when Eli was here, but not from the parking meters which will charge $10 per hour with a 59-minute maximum reserved time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Forty-nine states will officially\nrecognize the Stennis Flag as the state flag of Mississippi. The one hold out?\nMississippi, of course.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suffering from the loss of yet one more\nleader, Ole Miss will try out a Chancellor-of-the-Month Club, with different\nOxfordians serving as Chancellor each month. At the end of the year a\nsemi-permanent Chancellor (aren\u2019t they all?) will be selected from the twelve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In an effort to reach wider audiences, Fat\nPossum Records will diversify with other labels such as Petite Possum, Oh\nPossum, Punk Possum, and Possum Gospel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sports Illustrated will do the photo\nshoot for their annual swimsuit edition at Sardis Lake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ole Miss\u2019 marijuana farm will disappear,\none plant at a time. When law enforcement discovers a hidden tunnel, they will find\nHaley Barbour and Trent Lott in mole costumes, smoking pot and eating Cheetos\nand Ding Dongs. The comrades-in-joints will be allowed to steal away in a veil\nof darkness and the tunnel will be filled with concrete made from recycled\nConfederate statues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, I will learn the hard way my own personal answer to the Beatles\u2019 questions in \u201cWhen I\u2019m 64\u201d when I join that club on February 6 and, having been out till a quarter to three, find my own door locked, that no one still needs me, and no one will feed me. Hungry and alone, I will freeze to death in the Southwest corner of The Balcony. When my obituary is printed, true to form, the picture that runs with it will be that of Randy Yates, not me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Happy New Year, folks!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0And that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
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It\u2019s the time of year when people start putting their New Year\u2019s resolutions into action. The vast majority<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":262,"featured_media":39753,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11902],"tags":[13761,13797,13796,10878],"class_list":["post-64055","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-randy-weeks","tag-13761","tag-drunk-drones","tag-predictions","tag-the-view-from-the-balcony"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/2017-5-11-View-from-the-Balcony.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/64055","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/262"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=64055"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/64055\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/39753"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=64055"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=64055"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=64055"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}