{"id":48653,"date":"2018-09-19T11:17:25","date_gmt":"2018-09-19T17:17:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=48653"},"modified":"2018-09-19T11:17:57","modified_gmt":"2018-09-19T17:17:57","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-parallel-parking-the-final-word-for-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-parallel-parking-the-final-word-for-now\/","title":{"rendered":"The View from the Balcony: Parallel Parking: The Final Word (for now)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I was going to leave this subject alone for a while. Enough\u2019s enough, right? Evidently not, for on Friday, August 3, 2018, The Balcony Parking Commission and a few guests witnessed the most egregious attempt at parallel parking know to humanity.<\/span><\/p>\n

It happened directly in front of Old Venice. Four college students tried to park in the second space from the front of a line of four well-marked slots. At first it was funny. Then, after following the dictum of \u201cif at first you don\u2019t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again,\u201d it became embarrassing \u2013 nay \u2013 shamefully pathetic. Three of the four got out to offer directions. No go. They changed drivers. Still no go. Finally, they threw in the towel and left two or three feet of automobile encroaching on Van Buren. Somebody throw the yellow flag!<\/span><\/p>\n

Exhausted from bemoaning the tragedy of licensed drivers who cannot parallel park a Mini-Cooper in a cornfield, we decided to stop griping and start helping. So, we offer to the general public and to four lost-soul students, The Balcony Parking Commission\u2019s Definitive Guide to Parallel Parking. (The friend who penned the instructions asked not to be lauded for their gift of public service. The guide has been edited to make it available to a PG-15 audience.)<\/span><\/p>\n

DI\u00a0 REC\u00a0 TIONS:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Preamble: When you see a vacant parking spot, you say to yourself, \u201cSelf, this crap never happens,\u201d so don\u2019t muck it up!<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. In your motor vehicle (Vehicle #1), pull up parallel to the motor vehicle (Vehicle #2) behind which you wish to park, until the back bumper of Vehicle #1 is even with the back bumper of Vehicle #2.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Turn (or \u201ccut\u201d) your tires toward the curb (curbward).<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Place Vehicle #1\u2019s gear in reverse.<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. S-l-o-w-l-y drive Vehicle #1 in a backward\/curbward direction.<\/span><\/li>\n
  5. When the back bumper of Vehicle #1 is close to the motor vehicle behind you (Vehicle #3), s-t-o-p.<\/span><\/li>\n
  6. Turn the tires of Vehicle #1 in a streetward direction and pull forward until the front bumper of Vehicle #1 ALMOST touches the back bumper of Vehicle #2.<\/span><\/li>\n
  7. S-t-o-p.<\/span><\/li>\n
  8. Turn (\u201ccut\u201d) the tires of Vehicle #1 into a straight position.<\/span><\/li>\n
  9. Pull Vehicle #1 up slightly, then place Vehicle #1\u2019s gear into P-A-R-K.<\/span><\/li>\n
  10. Stop sweating and smile.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Successfully negotiated, you may find yourself receiving accolades from The Balcony Parking Commission. P.S., Should you have questions, watch Episode 21 from Season 3 of \u201cSeinfeld\u201d. Should you still find it difficult to properly parallel park, my good friend, Leon, an inciteful man, summed up the entire directions in five words: \u201cDon\u2019t park like a pecker.\u201d (Actually he didn\u2019t say \u201cpecker\u201d, but I didn\u2019t think TLV would print the \u201cD\u201d word.)<\/span><\/p>\n

    If all else fails, call Captain Happy Heart at Shotgun Chevy. He\u2019s aching to sell you a motor vehicle that parks itself. I had one of those decades ago. It parked me on the side of the road more times than Jed Clampett said, \u201cWeeeeeeee doggie!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

    (Permission is granted for these instructions to be reproduced, laminated, mounted and\/or chiseled in the dashboard of your motor vehicle, Vehicle #1. This has been a public service column from The Balcony Parking Commission, where our motto is \u201cParallel Parking: The Final Frontier\u201d.)<\/span><\/p>\n

    \u2026and that\u2019s The View from The Balcony.<\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    I was going to leave this subject alone for a while. Enough\u2019s enough, right? Evidently not, for on<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":262,"featured_media":39753,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11902],"tags":[13251,13252,10286,13250],"class_list":["post-48653","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-randy-weeks","tag-he-view-from-the-balcony","tag-parallel-parking","tag-randy-weeks","tag-the-view"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/2017-5-11-View-from-the-Balcony.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48653","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/262"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=48653"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48653\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/39753"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=48653"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=48653"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=48653"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}