{"id":43496,"date":"2017-12-14T12:03:54","date_gmt":"2017-12-14T18:03:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=43496"},"modified":"2018-01-03T14:57:14","modified_gmt":"2018-01-03T20:57:14","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-the-oxford-film-festival-christmas-nightmare","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-the-oxford-film-festival-christmas-nightmare\/","title":{"rendered":"The View From the Balcony: The Oxford Film Festival Christmas Nightmare"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last Saturday night was another cold one. The good thing about it was that I had no trouble claiming my corner on The Balcony. The bad thing was that I got sleepy extremely quickly. I nodded off and had a nightmare to end all nightmares.<\/span><\/p>\n

I found myself walking into the Oxford Commons Theater for the Oxford Film Festival. It seemed a bit strange since it was during the holiday season and not in February when the festival usually is held. The place was packed, but I could sense that there was something eerily amiss. Everyone\u2019s back was turned toward me. Slowly and purposely they all turned to face me. I was aghast and horrified! Hollow-eyed and grey of skin, the festival-goers were ghosts and ghouls and banshees and such. The ghost of Melanie Addington, executive director of the Oxford Film Festival, welcomed me with a chilling hug and a kiss that reeked of death. She handed me the festival program, threw back her head and cackled, \u201cEnjoyyyy, Randy! Enjoyyyy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I opened my program to find the most frightening of frights. It was Halloween meets Christmas. I had come to see films like It\u2019s a Wonderful Life<\/em>, White Christmas<\/em>, and A Christmas Story<\/em>, but they were not to be shown. Here\u2019s what I found instead\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Elf Zombies<\/em> \u2013 Hoards of elf zombies spread tidings of great fear to impish children around the world while singing \u201cOh, you better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I\u2019m telling you why. Elf Zombies are coming to town!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Santa\u2019s Claws<\/em> \u2013 Santa\u2019s fingernails grow to elongated, razor-sharp blades used to randomly rip parents who are up late putting out Christmas gifts, all to the sound of a child singing, \u201cI saw Santa slashing Mom and Dad underneath the mistletoe last night.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

North Poled: Mrs. Claus Gets a New Ornament for Her Tree<\/em> \u2013 Santa\u2019s old lady catches him in a strip club the night before Christmas Eve and takes her revenge, singing, \u201cSanta Got Run Over by a Chainsaw.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ho, Ho, Ho!<\/em> \u2013 Monty Python reunites for this bizarre retelling of the first Christmas. The wise men get whacked on their way to Bethlehem and are replaced by their killers\u2014three prostitutes, singing Paul McCartney\u2019s Christmas song, \u201cWe\u2019re simply having a wonderful Christmastime. Simply having a wonderful Christmastime.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Frosty the Ax Murderer<\/em> \u2013 A serial killer takes on the persona of one of the most beloved Christmas characters of the modern era, leaving a grizzly trail of human carnage behind him before mysteriously disappearing, leaving a terrifying message: \u201cI\u2019ll be back again someday.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He Sees You When You\u2019re Sleeping<\/em> \u2013 Santa stalks the neighborhoods looking for naughtiness in the dead of night, singing merrily as he goes along, \u201cI\u2019m stalking in a winter wonderland. I\u2019m stalking in a winter wonderland.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

All I Want for Christmas: Toothless in Oxford Town<\/em> \u2013 (local entry) An insane dentist (Dr. Steve Wooten) goes on a rampage, pulling the front teeth of anyone he can catch and threatening them with a slow, agonizing death by tooth drill if they can\u2019t whistle \u201cCarol of the Bells.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Santa\u2019s Baby: The Revenge of Lily Clause<\/em> \u2013 Santa had a fling or two before settling down. A daughter he didn\u2019t know about shows up, and boy is she ever pissed! A highlight is when Santa sings the theme song, \u201cWhat Child is This?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I Saw Mommy Cooking Santa Claus<\/em> \u2013 Nothing says Christmas dinner like Santa steak. St. Nick finds himself skewered. Theme song: \u201cSanta\u2019s Roasting on an Open Fire.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Screwged: How St. Nick Got His Jollies<\/em> \u2013 (Docudrama) Santa is forced to resign after 87 elves and 43 reindeer reveal how he sexually harassed them. Theme song: \u201cNo Way in a Manger.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A Whip That Cracks<\/em> \u2013 The untold story of how Santa\u2019s elves are able to produce so many toys so fast. (Warning: Not for union workers)<\/span><\/p>\n

Dashing Through the Blow<\/em> \u2013 How does Santa get so high and travel so fast to deliver so many toys to so many children? It ain\u2019t snow, baby! Theme song: \u201cWhite Christmas.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I awoke with a start\u2014heart racing and drenched in sweat. \u201cThank God it was only a dream,\u201d I whispered. I needed a drink, so I went inside. The place was packed. Everyone had their backs turned to me. I asked my #2 son, one of the Knight\u2019s of the Long Table, for a stout greyhound. He and every other person in the bar turned to face me. They were hollow-eyed and grey of skin. \u201cHere\u2019s our specialty drink for tonight, Daddy-O: Spirits of Christmas Past.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

With an expression from Edvard Munch\u2019s <\/em>The Scream<\/em>, I escaped to The Balcony, where I could still hear the echo of the music from inside\u2014a scratched recording of The Eagles singing \u201cHotel California.\u201d \u201cYou can check out any time you like, but you can never leave, never leave, never leave, never leave.\u201d Merry Christmas everybody!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

And that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.\u00a0\"The<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last Saturday night was another cold one. The good thing about it was that I had no trouble<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":262,"featured_media":39753,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[307],"tags":[9240,9582,3399,1817,137,10286,10426],"class_list":["post-43496","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-local-people","tag-film-fest","tag-local-writer","tag-melanie-addington","tag-off","tag-oxford-film-festival","tag-randy-weeks","tag-view-from-the-balcony"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/2017-5-11-View-from-the-Balcony.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43496","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/262"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=43496"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43496\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/39753"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=43496"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=43496"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=43496"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}