{"id":1898,"date":"2012-06-04T14:31:49","date_gmt":"2012-06-04T19:31:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=1898"},"modified":"2012-06-04T14:31:49","modified_gmt":"2012-06-04T19:31:49","slug":"wtf-news-long-anticipated-zombie-apocalypse-begins-satire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wtf-news-long-anticipated-zombie-apocalypse-begins-satire\/","title":{"rendered":"WTF News: Long-Anticipated Zombie Apocalypse Begins (SATIRE)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-1900 alignright\" title=\"WTF News Greta Sasquatch Column Header\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/WTF_News_GRETASTACKED.jpg?resize=121%2C240\" alt=\"\" width=\"121\" height=\"240\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/WTF_News_GRETASTACKED.jpg?resize=151%2C300&amp;ssl=1 151w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/WTF_News_GRETASTACKED.jpg?w=177&amp;ssl=1 177w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 121px) 100vw, 121px\" \/>Miami, Florida (WTF) \u2013 On Tuesday, May 29, <strong>Ronald Poppo<\/strong> was minding his own business, homeless on the streets of Miami, Florida. A 31-year-old naked man named <strong>Rudy Eugene<\/strong> then ran across the MacArthur Causeway in pursuit of Poppo, tore off the homeless man\u2019s clothing, and began to gnaw at his face for a full EIGHTEEN MINUTES, in broad daylight.<\/p>\n<p>Eyewitness reports say that when an onlooker demanded that Eugene stop masticating the man\u2019s face, the zombie growled like a wild animal and continued chowing down.<\/p>\n<p>The zombie took no notice of police when they arrived, nor did he stop snacking when they shot him for the first time\u2014he just growled again. Officers had to fire four more bullets to fatally wound Eugene.<br \/>\n<strong><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft  wp-image-1899\" title=\"USE_TWOGUYS\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/USE_TWOGUYS.jpg?resize=216%2C174\" alt=\"\" width=\"216\" height=\"174\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/USE_TWOGUYS.jpg?resize=300%2C241&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/USE_TWOGUYS.jpg?w=350&amp;ssl=1 350w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 216px) 100vw, 216px\" \/>Sgt. Armando Aguilar<\/strong> of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police said that Poppo \u201chad his face eaten down to his goatee. The forehead was just bone. No nose, no mouth [remains].\u201d At the time of this article on Wednesday, the homeless man remains alive in critical condition, but a news affiliate in Miami says Poppo\u2019s injures are \u201cso profound his chances for recovery seem small.\u201d Estimates are that 80% of his face is now missing.<\/p>\n<p><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-1901 alignright\" title=\"zombie1_0\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/zombie1_0.jpg?resize=217%2C300\" alt=\"\" width=\"217\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/zombie1_0.jpg?resize=217%2C300&amp;ssl=1 217w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/zombie1_0.jpg?w=290&amp;ssl=1 290w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 217px) 100vw, 217px\" \/>WTF News<strong> suggests that all Americans prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse<\/strong>, if they have not already done so. We recommend that you choose a <strong>location to meet up<\/strong>, procure <strong>weapons<\/strong> to destroy the brains or remove the heads of the living dead, keep a <strong>backup weapon<\/strong> handy in case your axe or machete becomes lodged in a skull, choose a <strong>rock \u2018n\u2019 roll\u00a0 anthem<\/strong> to listen to while you annhilate zombies, and go ahead and <strong>plan out your last words<\/strong>&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-1902 alignleft\" title=\"florida-zombie-permit\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/florida-zombie-permit.jpg?resize=210%2C160\" alt=\"\" width=\"210\" height=\"160\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/florida-zombie-permit.jpg?resize=300%2C228&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/florida-zombie-permit.jpg?w=350&amp;ssl=1 350w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 210px) 100vw, 210px\" \/><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Miami, Florida (WTF) \u2013 On Tuesday, May 29, Ronald Poppo was minding his own business, homeless on the<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":238,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[133],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1898","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-wtf-news"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1898","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/238"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1898"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1898\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1898"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1898"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1898"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}