{"id":156714,"date":"2026-03-19T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-03-19T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=156714"},"modified":"2026-03-18T18:50:27","modified_gmt":"2026-03-18T23:50:27","slug":"the-view-beyond-the-balcony-conversation-with-a-pop-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-beyond-the-balcony-conversation-with-a-pop-up\/","title":{"rendered":"The View Beyond The Balcony: \u201c’Conversation’ with a Pop-up\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I was sitting on a bench on the Courthouse lawn, quietly working on a Local Voice<\/em> crossword puzzle (the easier one) when a guy dressed in what looked like Frank Gorshin as The Riddler in the campy Batman <\/em>TV series from the late 1960s, jacked up on Ritalin and Red Bull, plopped down next to me, looked at my puzzle, pointed to the spaces I was pondering, and said, \u201cHey! A crossword! Let\u2019s see: \u2018Largest state in the contiguous United States.\u2019 five letters, last one an \u2018S\u2019. Texas! It\u2019s Texas, cowboy!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Annoyed, I said, \u201cI like to do my crossword puzzles without unsolicited help, thank you very much,\u201d and continued with the puzzle, pissed off though because I knew it had been ruined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What? You don\u2019t want my help?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Look. I\u2019ve been doing crosswords for decades and, if you let me play, I\u2019ll give you a whole book of them.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No thanks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aw, you\u2019ve gotta make time for things you enjoy, cowboy! I can get you a subscription to a daily crossword puzzle. It\u2019s free for the first 30 days and only thirty cents a day after that!<\/em> (In a barely audible whisper) After 90 days it\u2019s a dollar a day with a three-year commitment.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What part of \u201cno\u201d don\u2019t you understand? Scat!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(He got up to leave then spun on his heels and plopped down next to me again.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay. What about this . . . You like movie soundtracks.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What makes you think that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, I don\u2019t think. I know. I know a lot of things about you. You like frozen yogurt, too.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do you know that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I keep up with you and things you like and don\u2019t like.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ve been spying on me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I prefer to call it \u201cresearch\u201d or \u201cdata gathering.\u201d Now, if you don\u2019t want the crossword subscription I can get you some car insurance for 30% less than you\u2019re paying now!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And you know how much I\u2019m paying for my insurance?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

$156.03 per month.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How . . . how do you know that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like I said, I know things.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get the hell outta here! (He got up, walked around the bench, and sat by me again.) I screamed, \u201cGET. THE. HELL. AWAY. FROM. ME!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, okay! You don\u2019t hafta be so rude. I\u2019ll go, but before I do, Could I interest you in a 24-carrot gold MAGA coin? It has President Trump\u2019s orange profile on the front and a Trump-autographed golf ball on the back.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

ABSOFREAKINLUTELY NOT! SKEDADDLE!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Skeedaddle! What a great word! You love wordplay, don\u2019t you! I\u2019ve got an entire collection of wordplay books! Punsteritis! Oxymoratory! Malapromologies! Sinonyms! Auntienyms! Onomatopeeuses! Quadruple Entendriacs! And so much more!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

NO! NO! NO!!! GO! GO! GO!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You say \u201cNo and go\u201d but I know you mean \u201cYes and stay\u201d! Why, you\u2019d be a fool to pass on these once-in-a-lifetime deals!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then a fool I\u2019ll be!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay! I\u2019m going I\u2019m going. But I want to introduce you to my sister. She\u2019s got some other great deals for you. Here she is! Say hello to Merry Pop-up!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m closing my eyes and counting to three. When I open them, I want you both gone! (I closed my eyes, counted to three, and opened them. The flashy guy was gone, but Merry, dressed in a skintight bodysuit like Batman\u2019s Catwoman, purred with a smoky voice.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi there, sexy cowboy. Are you lonely, sweetie? I\u2019ll bet you are and have I got good news for you!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(My head in my hands) No. Please, Lord! Make her go away!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, honey pie, I want you to sign up on one of my dating sites. I\u2019ve got sites for seniors, sites for middle-aged men and women, sites for young adults, and sites with foreign women – or men, if that\u2019s what you prefer. All of them are waiting for someone just like you, and the sites are only $30 per month each. Now, dearie, which ones would you like?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Hitting both temples over and over and over with my fists, I screamed.) Oy veh! Oy veh! OY VEH!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mary Pop-up purred and licked my neck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…and that\u2019s the View Beyond The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, singer-songwriter, and an ordained minister. He thinks a Nobel prize should be given to the person who figures out how to get rid of pop-ups once and for all. Randy may be reached at randallsweeks@gmail.com.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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