{"id":14860,"date":"2014-07-19T12:31:25","date_gmt":"2014-07-19T17:31:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=14860"},"modified":"2014-07-20T20:59:11","modified_gmt":"2014-07-21T01:59:11","slug":"the-pale-mans-funeral-by-casey-spradling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-pale-mans-funeral-by-casey-spradling\/","title":{"rendered":"“The Pale Man’s Funeral” by Casey Spradling"},"content":{"rendered":"

After a long and distinguished life serving his country, Leonard grew tired of this and settled in a little town called Scooter, Alabama, in the former British colony of the United States of America.\u00a0 He died there, and we shall now drop into a conversation between two of Leonard\u2019s friends, Clarence McWombat and Malchezidek Stools, at the funeral.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA big, hearty, manly-feeling bowel movement.\u00a0 That\u2019s all I ask for.\u00a0 One of those dumps you can really be proud of.\u00a0 The one you want to frame and hang on the wall. \u00a0This old mess I\u2019ve been passing lately is more like chicken shit.\u00a0 It\u2019s runny and yellow,\u201d explained Clarence.\u00a0\"Michael<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know what you mean.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had Metamucil and green persimmons for breakfast every morning for a month, and I still feel like I\u2019d give you my thumbs for a good case of diarrhea,\u201d replied Malchezidek.\u00a0 \u201cSo what\u2019s been going on with that business project you had going on in Birmingham?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe called it the Abe Lincoln Hand Job<\/em>.\u00a0 We dressed up like Abe Lincoln and gave people hand jobs for five dollars.\u00a0 I had a guy at the Greyhound station, one down at the farmer\u2019s market, and one in the entrance to the emergency room.\u00a0 Turns out our research was flawed.\u00a0 Nobody likes having a craggy-looking dead president rubbing their dick.\u00a0 Maybe if we did Bill Clinton.\u00a0 He looks less threatening and a little softer.\u00a0 Not like Leonard.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it kind of makes you think.\u00a0 What do we know?\u00a0 We\u2019ve put a man on the moon.\u00a0 We\u2019ve cured diseases like polio and constipation, wait.\u00a0 They haven\u2019t cured that yet.\u00a0 You know, I\u2019d give a gold gorilla for a decent bowel movement.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u00a0 Leonard never had trouble in the bathroom.\u00a0 He was too high on life to ever get constipated.\u00a0 Mankind has invented all kinds of great things, but they can\u2019t make you live forever.\u00a0 They\u2019ve invented things like cars and airplanes and mashed potatoes that come in a box that looks kind of like coffee creamer. \u00a0I bet that\u2019s why this coffee tastes funny.\u00a0 Why does the funeral home keep instant mashed potatoes with the coffee creamer?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I liked to have choked to death the other day when I thought I was putting an equal packet in my coffee, but I actually was dropping a condom in it.\u00a0 Why do they put equal and condoms in such similar packages?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSort of odd.\u00a0 A thing designed to prevent the creation of life could take the life of an old man like me or you.\u00a0 Makes you realize how fragile life is doesn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Look at Leonard.\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t he look a little red?\u201d
\n<\/span>
\n\u201cHe does.\u00a0 It\u2019s sickening the job these funeral home butchers do on a dead man.\u00a0 They just covered his face with cheap rouge when we all know he was pale as polar bear\u2019s ass.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m ashamed to look at him!\u00a0 Look at that funeral director!\u00a0 When I was a kid, they wore black suits, and this guy is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.\u00a0 He\u2019s eating a snow-cone.\u00a0 Wait, no!\u00a0 That\u2019s a Margarita!\u00a0 The fucker\u2019s drunk!\u00a0 That\u2019s it!\u00a0 I\u2019m taking action!\u201d\u00a0 Clarence leaped to his feet and paced to the front of the funeral home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLook at him!\u00a0 He looks like a giant red worm!\u00a0 I\u2019ve got katobi worms eating my tomatoes and tomato worms eating my corn and my dead friend looks like a giant red worm! What\u2019s next?\u00a0 Maya Angelou sitting in my fucking bathtub reading me poetry while I\u2019m taking a dump? Here!\u201d\u00a0 Clarence took out a pocket knife and stabbed some holes in the lid of the casket.\u00a0 \u201cProbably needs some air holes doesn\u2019t he!\u00a0 Wait!\u00a0 No, that\u2019s a frog in a shoe box, but I bet an idiot like you couldn\u2019t tell the difference!<\/span><\/p>\n

\"20140719_121231\"<\/a>
The Local Voice #103 (April 1 – 15, 2010) story by Casey Spradling illustration by Michael Ikeda-Chandler<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u201cOh, shut up you old fool!\u201d said the funeral director as he threw his tropical drink on Clarence followed by several blows from his fists.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, it\u2019s not nice to beat up an old man!\u201d\u00a0 Malchezidek smacked the funeral director across the head with a metal folding chair and knocked him out. \u00a0\u201cDon\u2019t adjust your television sets, funeral-goers.\u00a0 We\u2019ve temporarily taken control of this funeral.\u00a0 We need music!\u201d\u00a0 Malchezidek jumped behind the organ and began to play.<\/span><\/p>\n

The pallbearers and most of the mourners were dancing around Malchezidek\u2019s organ.\u00a0 Then, they picked up the casket and danced out the door in a procession somewhat like a New Orleans-style jazz funeral.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Mal.\u00a0 Good set, man.\u00a0 Let\u2019s go get some good coffee that doesn\u2019t have potatoes or condoms in it.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

After that Malchezidek and Clarence went off to find a coffee shop somewhere, and sit around all morning like old men in small towns generally do.\u00a0\"The<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

____________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n

This story originally appeared in The Local Voice #103, published April 1, 2010.<\/em>
\n Click here to download the PDF of The Local Voice #103.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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