{"id":142951,"date":"2024-09-19T07:33:00","date_gmt":"2024-09-19T12:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=142951"},"modified":"2024-09-18T16:43:35","modified_gmt":"2024-09-18T21:43:35","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-pets-on-the-run","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-pets-on-the-run\/","title":{"rendered":"The View From The Balcony: “Pets on the Run”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Last week I was watching a show on Animal Planet <\/em>about the domestication of feral animals. It was quite interesting to learn how various animals (dogs, cats, fish, birds, ferrets, reptiles, insects, farm animals, and multiple other small creatures) were morphed into pets around the world through the centuries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While watching this show there was a dull, hard thumping on my door. I couldn\u2019t see anything through the peephole, so I carefully cracked the door open to try to see what was making all the racket. Suddenly a cat shot between my legs, followed closely by a dog and a goose, all screaming in Dollittian, \u201cHelp me! Help me!\u201d I was taken aback to say the least. Once I\u2019d gotten my wits about me I calmed my visitors and we started talking. Turns out they had heard all the hubbub about Haitian immigrants eating pets in Springfield, Ohio, and panicked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They cried, \u201cThe Haitians are coming! The Haitians are coming!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhoa!\u201d I said. \u201cWe\u2019re a long way from Ohio.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My phone rang (my ringtone is Bob Marley\u2019s \u201cI Shot the Sherriff.<\/em>\u201d) They all freaked out. I said, \u201cThat\u2019s a Bob Marley song. He wasn\u2019t Haitian. He was Jamaican!\u201d \u201cSame difference!\u201d they shrieked. \u201cSame difference!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey want to eat us,\u201d barked the dog. The cat and the goose nodded in support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a>
Adboe Stock image.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not even in season!\u201d squawked the goose. \u201cMe? Ow!!!\u201d said the cat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I told them there was no evidence of Haitians eating pets in Ohio or any other place in the United States. Still they cried out, \u201cGimme shelter! Gimme shelter!\u201d \u201cOf course I\u2019ll give you shelter,\u201d I said. They all let out a small sigh of relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I foraged in my fridge and cabinets and found food enough for them to eat. Post-feasting we all settled in. \u201cLet me show you what\u2019s really going on,\u201d I said. We starting watching CNN. After an hour or so they seemed to be reassured that the reports of pets being eaten by Haitians was fake news. Then the cat purred, \u201cWhat\u2019s the FOX saying?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was hesitant to change channels, but I did. The FOX was saying that, while there was no hard evidence that Haitians were eating pets anywhere in the United States, there was also no hard evidence that they weren\u2019t. \u201cTraitor! Traitor!\u201d they all screamed at the FOX. \u201cYou know you can\u2019t prove a negative!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I took charge of the remote control and switched to the Weather Channel. Bad choice. They were covering animal rescues from hurricane Francine. A first responder who looked like he could have been Haitian was helping rescue a dog from the flooded basement of a house. He passed the dog to another first responder who also looked like he could be Haitian and disappeared, presumably to take the dog to safety. The coverage showed a nearby restaurant that specialized in exotic cuisine. The first responder carried the dog in that direction. Never mind that a dozen or so rescue vehicles, including several from the ASPCA, were parked at the restaurant, mostly in idle, taking naps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My guests were all shook up. \u201cSee! See! They\u2019re taking our brothers and sisters to the executioners! They\u2019re draining cats and dogs!\u201d \u201cAnd geese!\u201d squawked the goose. \u201cIt\u2019s farm to table skewed and skewered!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I decided to read news stories about the alleged pet consumption to my guests. They began to understand that it was all a hoax perpetuated by T-rump, his henchman Jay Dee Rants, and other conspiracy theorists. At first my new-found friends were blinded by the light of truth but soon the scales fell from their eyes. They were royally pissed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I switched to PBS to watch the presidential debate. Former President T-rump Former President T-rump doubled down on his baseless claims of Haitian immigrants eating pets in Springfield, Ohio. \u201cLiar, liar! Pants on fire!\u201d My friends bellowed. \u201cThe wannabe dictator is already is a dicktater.!\u201d We howled like hyenas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The dog barked, \u201cWe gotta go. We\u2019ve got a mission to fulfill.\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re mad as hell and we\u2019re not gonna take it anymore!\u201d said the cat and the goose. \u201cWe gotta set things left lest we lose our rights and our very lives!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With that they all thanked me for the shelter and the truth and rushed out the door. And I heard them exclaim as they faded from sight, \u201cVote left, vote left and keep the ship right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and that\u2019s the View from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, an actor, and a writer. He has never knowingly eaten dogs, cats, or geese. Randy may be reached at: randallsweeks@gmail.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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