{"id":122225,"date":"2022-08-24T23:03:00","date_gmt":"2022-08-25T04:03:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=122225"},"modified":"2022-08-25T11:26:50","modified_gmt":"2022-08-25T16:26:50","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-invasion-of-the-asian-giant-hornets-aka-murder-hornets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-invasion-of-the-asian-giant-hornets-aka-murder-hornets\/","title":{"rendered":"The View From The Balcony: “Invasion of the Asian Giant Hornets, aka Murder Hornets”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Recently I found myself alone on The Balcony fairly late at night. I decided to take advantage of it, so I lit my pipe and started reading Rumi. Before long I heard the door open and someone step onto The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMind if I sit?\u201d They said. (I\u2019m using gender-neutral pronouns because I never could quite determine where they fit in the gender spectrum, if at all.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I motioned to an empty chair and said, \u201cIt\u2019s a free country. Let me finish this poem.\u201d  Once finished I closed the book and looked up. There sat a two-inch long bee in a black trench coat with the collar turned up, black fedora pulled down over their eyes, a Covid mask, and Elvis sunglasses. A talking bee dressed up like a private eye? I\u2019ll have to keep a better count of my drinks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They opened their trench coat enough for me to see the red markings on their body, then they briefly removed their Elvis glasses and mask. They were truly bug-eyed. I was, too, just not compounded. Confounded, yes. Compounded, no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am not a bee!\u201d they shouted. \u201cI am an Asian Giant Hornet, aka Murder Hornet!\u201d (thus its Sam Spade style). \u201cI\u2019m here on a mission,\u201d they said. \u201cMost of us live in Washington state. We\u2019re happy there. There\u2019re a lot of honeybees so we can bite their heads of, pull out the thorax, and feed our horn-ettes. It\u2019s the pi\u00e8ce de resistance<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ll pass,\u201d said I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy are you here?\u201d I asked. \u201cAnd do you have a name?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our name is Vespa mandarinia<\/em>. The colony calls me \u2018Sting\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve heard that the Asian Horntail Wasp and four other similar species are proliferating in Mississippi, pretending to be us. I\u2019m on a search and report mission,\u201d they said. \u201cWe don\u2019t plan to invade Mississippi, but having such imposters ruins our image and makes people panic. We want you folks to stay calm and sedate, sipping on your mint juleps on the front porch swing. After all, we hornets have families just like you do. We mate, we have horn-ettes, then we launch them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo you don\u2019t want to move here, but you don\u2019t want any imposters here either?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou can drop that counselor talk. I know that\u2019s Active Listening. Keep it up and I\u2019ll make my first mark in Mississippi on the tip of your nose.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I slyly changed the subject. \u201cWhat\u2019s your sign?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy Asstrological sign?\u201d they replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said Sting, \u201cthe Zodiac\u2019s full up. Sagittarians are wasps. Virgo\u2019s are bees. We don\u2019t want to be confused with those wusses, so we created our own sign. We\u2019re all Murderus-Katorious<\/em>\u00bethe badasses of the brand new Zoodiac!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cInventive and impressive,\u201d said I. \u201cWhat\u2019s next?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGoing back to Washington to give my report to the Hor Net Commission,\u201d Sting said, \u201cthen they\u2019ll probably send me and my family down this way to collect data and see how well we can assimilate. If that goes well we\u2019ll begin sending small tribes around the south.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo you DO want to invade Mississippi!\u201d I exclaimed<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe gots ta eat an y\u2019all gots lotsa  honeybees,\u201d they dead-panned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re buzzing into places you don\u2019t belong. We LOVE our honeybees down South\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere\u2019s only one way to save \u2018em,\u201d said Sting. \u201cStart raising you a strain of Giant Green Hornets with the Kato attachments. Stings the hell out of you then throws some nasty Kato Karate in to finish the job.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sting got up to leave. An envelope fell out of their trench coat. I grabbed it to return it, but Sting had left the building. In the package was a full plan for taking over the South. Turns out the Giant Green Hornet is a Murder Hornet disguised in green. I immediately took this information to the wildlife officials. A person dressed like Sting met me and took the envelope in its\u2026claw? It lowered its glasses. Compound eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe get these all the time,\u201d they said, tossing the envelope into file 13. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, kid. We\u2019re on it. Now beat it!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I skedaddled. As the only one who knows the truth, it\u2019s up to me to save the South. So I\u2019m donning my old Green Hornet gear and looking for a Kato. Any volunteers?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. Give Randy a buzz at randallsweeks@gmail.com<\/a> . No stingers, please.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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