{"id":121834,"date":"2022-08-10T21:45:59","date_gmt":"2022-08-11T02:45:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=121834"},"modified":"2022-08-15T10:34:54","modified_gmt":"2022-08-15T15:34:54","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-dress-coded-on-the-balcony","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-dress-coded-on-the-balcony\/","title":{"rendered":"The View from the Balcony: “Dress Coded on The Balcony”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Last Thursday I walked up to the upstairs bar at City Grocery, as is my custom. Before I could reach the top, Sir Coonie, Leader of the Knights of the Long Table, was already pouring my drink, as is his custom. Sir Coonie whispered, \u201cDon\u2019t let the guards at The Balcony doors scare you. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on and I got nothin\u2019 to do with it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I nodded twice and headed to The Balcony. The two gargantuan guards wore uniforms with a big yellow star sewn on the left chest that said in huge letters \u201cDCE.\u201d Underneath DCE it said, \u201cDress Code Enforcement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I greeted the gestap\u2014oops!\u2014guards, who were about as friendly as a Venus flytrap on steroids. The one on the left\u2014Mongo\u2014forcefully planted his ham of a hand on my chest and said, \u201cHalt!\u201d I halted. He continued, \u201cDress code violation! One too many open buttons on your shirt!\u201d I looked down. I saw neither cleavage nor chest hair. Mongo the Dress Code Enforcer slapped a humongous red \u201cV\u201d sticker on my chest. \u201cIt\u2019s the Scarlet V. Stands for \u2018Violator.\u2019 YOU are a V-I-O-L-A-T-O-R. Second offence, you\u2019re suspended off The Balcony for a day. Third offence, a week. Fourth offence, scarlet jump suit for life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I put my things down, fastened my criminal button, and straight away sat my felonious butt down.
One-by-one the stupefied old cast of characters stumbled through the door, all the women emblazoned with the Scarlet V for things that could tempt a man. Farrin Hite and Celcie Uss, Two Blondes on The Balcony: \u201cMy ankles were showing,\u201d said Farrin. Celcie griped, \u201cMy sheer shawl shows my shoulders.\u201d No-Account Addie had a pencil behind her ear. Madame Butterfly\u2019s flowing dress was too provocative. Sparkles\u2019 chest stuck out too much. Mo\u2019 Tuck had spaghetti bra straps. (Joke\u2019s on Mongo. Mo\u2019 Tuck don\u2019t wear no bras.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mongo was bending down to measure the skirt of Shawty, Doctor of Juris Imprudence and Babe at Law, when she laser-stared a hole in his head. He slapped the Scarlet V on her for non-cooperation. Shawty laughed and slapped a warrant on his butt. (The only person Shawty cooperates with is herself.)
Noticeably pissed, Brick came out with her Scarlet V. Her open-backed dress showed her cool tattoo. Brick jerked Mongo onto The Balcony and laid into him. \u201cNot ONE man out here has the Scarlet V on \u2018em except the Sundown Cowboy an\u2019 we all know he don\u2019t count!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mongo pointed to me. \u201cBut ain\u2019t he a man?\u201d
Everyone declared in unison, \u201cHE. DON\u2019T. COUNT!\u201d
Brick continued, \u201cYou do your job in gender-equitable ways or I will report you to the ACLU, the ASPCA, St. Jude\u2019s Hospital, KAOS, AND the SEC!\u201d
It was the \u201cSEC\u201d that got him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mongo got in touch with his inner Barney Fife and commenced to enforcing all over The Balcony. After a \u201cyou can\u2019t unsee that\u201d measuring, he cited The Sheik for short shorts. Men\u2019s legs turn women on. Boudreaux Schopenhauer was overdressed. Black blazers turn women on. The Untouchable Man was wearing sandals. Bare toes turn women on. Mr. C.W.P. Thoreau, The Velvet Bitch, had hair colored like a rainbow. Rainbow hair turns women on. The Brooklyn Dodger? \u201cThem foreign accents turn women on,\u201d said Mongo. Keep your bagel hole shut!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He last came to my good friend, Leon J. Walker, a very inciteful man. Mongo slapped the Scarlet V on him and said, \u201cYou\u2019re a Geek God. Your very presence turns everybody on!\u201d (Later Leon got the Scarlet V tattooed on his chest. He likes to pull his shirt open and say, \u201cI\u2019M SUPER VIOLATOR!\u201d I hear No-Account Addie is quite fond of that.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before long we all wore the Scarlet V. A guy visiting from Liverpool complained that it was like he\u2019d gotten a participation trophy in football (i.e., soccer). \u201cIt\u2019s the women\u2019s fault with their Jezebel sense of fashion,\u201d he said. \u201cWe blokes just follow our god-given biological urges. It\u2019s just how we\u2019re made.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brick unceremoniously pulled a brick out of the wall and summarily commenced to bricking the bloke into next year. She returned the brick to its place, flippantly saying, \u201cThe bloke needed bricking.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They relocated Mongo south of town. At Daffodil Hill Farm Jake Keiser had to put little smocks on her hens so their breasts wouldn\u2019t show. Jake protested, \u201cBut their breasts are covered by feathers!\u201d \u201cYes, ma\u2019am,\u201d said Mongo. \u201cBut you gotta watch for sex-crazed roosters. They could go to pluckin\u2019. Temptin\u2019 the cocks ain\u2019t right. It just ain\u2019t right.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. He has his own dress code. Randy may be reached at randallsweeks@gmail.com. Special thanks to Jennifer Mason for helping conceive this piece.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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