{"id":121128,"date":"2022-07-07T07:30:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-07T12:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=121128"},"modified":"2022-07-13T22:33:23","modified_gmt":"2022-07-14T03:33:23","slug":"notes-in-my-phone-v","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/notes-in-my-phone-v\/","title":{"rendered":"The View From The Balcony: “Notes in My Phone V”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The fifth installment of stuff I store in my phone<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a mood ring situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Horribly mediocre.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They were starting to stink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ovulate sand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re welcome to my olives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t think that would be good on my greens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Christmas music? Must be October.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sleeping next to my failures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So you were just sticking a pizza in your purse?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbit ears: rabid ears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ragweed: drag weed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff accountant: staph accountant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sin tax: syntax.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Entrepreneur: entremanure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thank y\u2019all for beckoning. (John T. Edge)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s parked in dumb and stuck in stupid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gon\u2019 git high in the sweet by an\u2019 by.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve got you on the edge of my seat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your mom skinned your pudding?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m ying-yangin\u2019 it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve distracted each other way too long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I walk the line between love and hate where I can see that there\u2019s not much difference between the two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was really sad when that pawnshop turned into a Subway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m re-toxing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want you to scoop my skittles\u2026after you taste my rainbow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s pretty dead now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hold on to your money, honey. I got me some lockpick earrings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was supposed to have my hairs done today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m going to have a funeral bouquet on my ass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A drunk mind is a terrible thing to waste.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t stick your finger in. It\u2019s fresh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I did something horrible but I don\u2019t know what.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paganism is underrated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I could quit drinking for four hours I\u2019d lose weight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve stiffened your hat before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is equilibrium really equal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a messy blessing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He had a heart-shaped callous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It isn\u2019t what it is until it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m the friendly neighborhood Jewish witch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m all faulted up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not quite Minnie Pearl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know what it is, but it feels good and it\u2019s beautiful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speak your grief to the wind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God really wanted Abraham to say, \u201cNo\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am an angel with a dirty face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mormons with chainsaws.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a blanket of sadness draped around my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s nice we live in an imaginary snow globe and none of it\u2019s real. (Andrew George)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had to get a muffuletta in me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My house looks like a wedding threw up in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll get an episiotomy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019ve done it right they won\u2019t look back. (Brooke Reeves on parenting)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was a gentleman stalker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am Jew. Hear me kvetch. (Amadaes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He flirts with brilliance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Welome to the end of the world (Clay Jones)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nuclear sushi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You sold your soul to The Balcony. This is what you get. (Louis Bourgeois)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The North won the war but the South owns football.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m living naughty and it feels good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She skates on the edge of being a hot mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Magnet schools are very attractive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I see red flags I think it\u2019s a circus and I run to \u2018em…then I find out they\u2019re all clowns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Verbal jujitsu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There aren\u2019t any chinks in my armor. They\u2019re all gaping chasms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How long have you not existed?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not that I have something I want to hide. It\u2019s that I have nothing I want you to see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bringing your girlfriend to Ole Miss is like bringing sand to the beach<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever met a feral pack of angry women?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the end, one encounters only oneself. (Louis Bourgeios)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My pencil doesn\u2019t go that deep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re always drunker than the chair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who the hell is Al Dente?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your head would look better on a spike. (Louis Bourgeois)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll have to shave your back to wear that dress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God doesn\u2019t punish sin. Sin punishes sin. (Sister Joan Chichester)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m fully capable of hating someone on my own terms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His car sounds like a wet fart going down the road.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I\u2019m not gonna tone it I\u2019m gonna tan it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the only time I\u2019ve prayed for constipation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On a clear day, how do you find a cloud? (Brum Elliott)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m living naughty and it feels good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The only tattoos I got are scars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oxfreudian.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Flow in the direction of love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An obesity of grief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I live in the loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Babesickle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ass menagerie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have a degree in English. I speak it fluidly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was a dear in headlights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a semenal moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Blais\u00e9, blais\u00e9, blais\u00e9.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were na\u00efve. Now we\u2019re jaded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I just had a Lee Durkee moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Veni vidi vici. E-i-e-i-o.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. You\u2019d be surprised what he keeps in his phone. Then, again, maybe you wouldn\u2019t be. He may be reached at <\/em>randallsweeks@gmail.com<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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