{"id":117556,"date":"2022-02-09T23:32:00","date_gmt":"2022-02-10T05:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=117556"},"modified":"2026-06-10T09:15:31","modified_gmt":"2026-06-10T14:15:31","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-city-grocery-jesus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-city-grocery-jesus\/","title":{"rendered":"The View From The Balcony: “City Grocery Jesus”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A few weeks ago I invited Jesus to meet me on The Balcony. I had something to show him. He and I talk up there a lot, but it had been a while. Being the gentleman that he is, Jesus accepted my invitation. He actually sounded quite pleased at the prospect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Jesus got to The Balcony I already had the table in the southwest corner prepared with his wineglass of water and a few napkins. He smiled at me affectionately, then we hugged and sat. As is his custom, Jesus stirred the water with his finger, turning it into a red wine. He offered me a sip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat tastes like Flam 2018 Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon <\/strong>from Galilee,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got a good palate, there, Weeks,\u201d he replied. \u201cI\u2019m trying to get them to do a Flim version and blend the two. Violia<\/em>! \u2018Flim Flam\u2019 Cabernet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We chuckled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat is it you wanted to show me?\u201d asked Jesus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I reached in my backpack where I keep all my accoutrements and pulled out the \u201cCity Grocery Jesus\u201d action figure that Father Joseph Tonos made. Jesus took the figure and examined it thoroughly with a skeptical eye, then said, \u201cWell, I\u2019ll be damned. I\u2019ll just be damned.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A grin crept onto the face of Jesus, then broke into a full smile., \u201cAnd you\u2019re telling me that ne\u2019er-do-well Father Joseph Tonos made this?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what he said,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat explains it,\u201d Jesus said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cExplains what?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUnaccounted for time,\u201d Jesus said. \u201cWe, the Trinity\u2014Father, Son, and Holy Ghost\u2014have noticed large blocks of time missing from Joe\u2019s Jesus People timecards. It seemed that sometimes in the confessional he wasn\u2019t always listening. We couldn\u2019t figure out why. He must have been handing out indulgence gift cards to his flock while he was creating this, this, this\u2026doll. And all those late nights when he had candles lit and was silent? He wasn\u2019t praying or we\u2019d have heard him. He was dilly dallying in dollerie!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus took a closer look at the packaging of City Grocery Jesus. \u201cI\u2019ll be doggone,\u201d he said. \u201cFather Joe\u2019s referenced you all over the place!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d I said. \u201cIt\u2019s a bit embarrassing but, well, I\u2019m getting a real kick out of it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, yeah,\u201d said Jesus as he turned to the back of the packaging and started to read. \u201cDamn!\u201d he said, beginning to belt out in hysterics, \u201cHe\u2019s got a Castro Jesus, Trump Jesus, Martian Jesus, Barrista Jesus, Cowboy Jesus, Churchy Jesus, LGBTQ Jesus, Womyn Jesus, PETA Jesus, Dashboard Jesus\u2014Jesuses EVERYWHERE!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThen he\u2019s got a Pie-in-the-Sky Heaven, Sweet-by-and-by Heaven, 9-Lives Heaven, Corndog-7 Heaven, A Very-Brady Heaven, All-Dogs-Go-to-Heaven Heaven\u2014Hell, Randy! He\u2019s got a Heaven for everywhere and everything! This reads like a sanctified Bubba Gump menu!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We both laughed until tears rolled down our faces, then Jesus spoke up. \u201cYou know what\u2019s funny about this?\u201d I shrugged. \u201cUp in Heaven Heaven we give out spiritual gifts. Father Joe got several from the start. He got the gifts of kindness, compassion, humility, faithfulness, and a few more. When he entered the priesthood he also got the gift of writing exceptional homilies and delivering them with eloquence. He\u2019s one of the finest examples of what it means to be a servant to my Daddy\u2019s sheep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut some jackleg up in Glory must have found a toy-making gift laying around in the spiritual gift vault and slipped it into Father Joe\u2019s pocket on his way out. Brilliance is what I\u2019d call that! Pure, unadulterated brilliance!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI agree,\u201d I said. \u201cBut I\u2019m curious about one thing. The price tag on City Grocery Jesus is only 23\u00a2. Why so cheap?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFather Joe must have been using ancient Hebrew math,\u201d said Jesus. \u201c23\u00a2 in 33 AD is equivalent to about $6,141 USD today, so City Grocery Jesus ain\u2019t as cheap as he looks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNext time you run into Father Joe, will you do me a favor?\u201d Jesus asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus stood. \u201cTell him my Daddy is very<\/em> proud of him.\u201d Moving toward the door Jesus slipped City Grocery Jesus inside his robe. \u201cAnd tell him to make another one of these for you. This one\u2019s going home with me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. City Grocery Jesus in currently in his possession, on loan from The Master himself. Randy may be adulated or castigated at randallsweeks@gmail.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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