{"id":116706,"date":"2022-01-11T14:18:09","date_gmt":"2022-01-11T20:18:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=116706"},"modified":"2022-01-30T15:06:36","modified_gmt":"2022-01-30T21:06:36","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-alternative-bowl-games","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-alternative-bowl-games\/","title":{"rendered":"The View From The Balcony: “Alternative Bowl Games”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The mass propagation of college football bowl games has reached the point of absurdity. Being chosen to play in some of the bowl games is almost comparable to getting a participation trophy on a six-year-old soccer team. So, let me pile on with some other bowl games we might want to see in coming years\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

H & R Block Rebate Bowl: Accountants will do your taxes during the game. Every penalty gives you another deduction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ex-Lax Poo Bowl: No passing allowed\u2014only runs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Endo Pharmaceuticals Percocet Bowl: Nobody cares about the game, not even the players and coaches, but nobody cares that they don\u2019t care about the game. Game? What game?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Victoria\u2019s Secret Thong Bowl: No jock straps, only thongs. One string attached. No secrets here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7-Eleven Crapshoot Bowl: Every play is determined by a roll of the dice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maker\u2019s Mark Bourbon Bowl: Players and coaches take shots for every point scored. Also known as the Pass Out Bowl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kleenex Snot Bowl: The field has a gentle soaking of green slime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

United States Postal Service Slow Delivery Bowl: Every pass is thrown behind the receiver\u2014WAY behind the receiver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Little Caesar\u2019s Brute Bowl: Players and coaches et tu slices of pizza after each possession.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Tampax Tampon Bowl: Players pay homage to women\u2019s rights. I\u2019ll let you speculate on exactly how. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Green Giant Pea Bowl: All post-touchdown celebrations are required to be some variation of a pee-pee dance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

YellaWood Coward Bowl: Defensive players carry two-by-fours and threaten the offense to make a play.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fleet Colon Cleanse Bowl: Free pre-game, halftime, and post-game enemas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

American Airlines Flight Delay Bowl: For every five minutes the game clock moves forward it moves back two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vick\u2019s Cough Drops Phlegm Bowl: Players and coaches must have a chest cold to qualify. Extra points for sputum. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cisco Systems Pancho Bowl: Helmets are replaced with sombreros.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trojan Prophylactic Bowl: Players required to wear latex body suits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Apple Adam & Eve Bowl: Players\u2019 uniforms are made of fig leaves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sound Off Muffler Poot Bowl: All signals to hike the ball must be made by the quarterback\u2019s flatulence. The football is inflated with methane. Try farting \u201cOmaha\u201d Peyton.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3M M-M-Mel Bowl: Stutter plays abound. The time clock starts and stops randomly. Half-time show is 100 Mel Tillis impersonators singing \u201cM-M-M-My Sharona\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oscar Meyer Cocktail Weenie Bowl: All players are Pee Wee Herman look-a-likes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Exxon Valdez Bowl: Field is soaked in crude oil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

General Electric Lit Up Bowl: Helmets topped with flashing disco balls. Vodka replaces Gatorade. Yee-haw!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hoover Vacuum Suckin\u2019 Bowl: The worst players in the NCAA make up two teams of losers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tesla Recall Bowl: Every play is under review.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Texas Instruments Cattle Prod Bowl: Uniform pants equipped with electric shock devices in the butt, remotely controlled by geeks in the coaches\u2019 box.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

T-Mobile Trailer Park Bowl: Game intermittently interrupted by tornadoes, floods, and hail. Players must be visibly missing at least three teeth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Siemens IUD Bowl: Quarterbacks protected from penetration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Budweiser Beer Bowl: Helmets replaced with 48-ounce beer caps, refilled twice each quarter and three times at halftime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gibson Guitar Pickin\u2019 & Grinnin\u2019 Banjo Bowl: Uniforms replaced by overalls. Halftime show is a reunion of the surviving cast members of \u201cHee-Haw\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Uber Doobie Bowl: Marijuana breaks for players, coaches, and fans after every first down. The halftime show? You guessed it: The Doobie Brothers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Home Depot Nuts & Bolts Bowl: Cleats replaced by actual nuts and bolts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fox Fair & Balanced Bowl (aka, Fantasy Football): Blatantly biased officials who change allegiances at the drop of a flag. Must have officiated at least 6 Alabama games.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Xerox Copycat Bowl: Players have identical uniforms with the same number.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

International Paper Origami Bowl: Footballs for the kicking game replaced with those little paper triangles junior high boys make to play football in math class.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tidy Bowl Toilet Bowl: The two teams with the worst records meet on the gridiron. Winners celebrate by getting flushed through a giant waterslide that looks like a toilet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll stop there\u2026for now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The mass propagation of college football bowl games has reached the point of absurdity. Being chosen to play<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":262,"featured_media":39753,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11902],"tags":[10286,10878],"class_list":["post-116706","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-randy-weeks","tag-randy-weeks","tag-the-view-from-the-balcony"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/2017-5-11-View-from-the-Balcony.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/116706","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/262"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=116706"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/116706\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/39753"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=116706"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=116706"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=116706"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}