{"id":107358,"date":"2020-11-11T23:34:25","date_gmt":"2020-11-12T05:34:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/?p=107358"},"modified":"2020-11-11T20:55:26","modified_gmt":"2020-11-12T02:55:26","slug":"the-view-from-the-balcony-grumbling-from-the-old-guard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/the-view-from-the-balcony-grumbling-from-the-old-guard\/","title":{"rendered":"The View From The Balcony: “Grumbling from the Old Guard”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I fell asleep again on The Balcony at City Grocery last Saturday. You\u2019d think by now I\u2019d know better than to stay out after seven. Go figure. Firmly ensconced in the southwest corner of The Balcony and wearing black, Sir Thibodaux Fontenot Boudreaux Breaux, Baron of the Knights of the Long Table missed me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Around 2 a.m. I was startled from my slumber by the sound of City Grocery\u2019s front door opening. I frantically looked for an escape, but before I could act, footsteps were coming up the stairs to the bar. I shrunk into the corner, dissolving into the brick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was the first to set foot on The Balcony, followed by Senators Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, and Mitt Romney. They sat at the tables in the northeast corner of The Balcony, and I receded into the bricks and the shadows in the southwest corner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

McConnell pulled out a bottle of Four Roses Single Barrel Bourbon and plopped it on the table. Cruz produced some red Solo cups. Graham started to lay down some blue napkins, but Romney whispered, \u201cNo blue, Cracker.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCracker?\u201d asked Graham.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAs in \u2018graham cracker\u2019,\u201d said Romney.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

McConnell poured the drinks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGentlemen,\u201d he said, \u201chere\u2019s to surviving a butt-whoopin\u2019 and remembering how to walk back our pontifications and declarations like a crab running from a shark.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They bumped their cups together. McConnell\u2019s cracked. Unbeknownst to him, three of the Four Roses had started leaking from the drinkin\u2019 side of the cup and slithered over where his chin should be into his shirt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Graham spoke up. \u201cWe\u2019d best figure out how we\u2019re gonna cover our tracks and maintain our plausibility, boys. As for me, I never really supported Trump. Read my statements from 2015 and 2016. And you can use those words against me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cruz chimed in. \u201cAs I\u2019ve said, Democrats think we conservatives are either stupid, evil, or crazy. I can assure you that I ain\u2019t evil.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOf course not, Eddie Munster!\u201d said McConnell. \u201cYou\u2019re not smart enough to be evil. And don\u2019t forget that back in 2016 even Jimmy Carter said he\u2019d vote for Trump before you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cruz retorted, \u201cI don\u2019t give a bushel of peanuts about what Jimmy Carter says!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Graham spoke. \u201cWhat\u2019s all this talk about Trump not wanting to make a conception? Isn\u2019t he famous for philandering? Why would he want to stop making conceptions now?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not \u2018conception,\u2019 Cracker. It\u2019s \u2018concession\u2019,\u201d said Romney.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with concessions?\u201d asked Graham. \u201cWhat would football be without those big-ass pretzels with mustard and cold beer?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not that kind of concession, Cracker!\u201d chided McConnell. \u201cThe buffoon doesn\u2019t want to admit he lost. That\u2019s why he\u2019s stomping mad and throwing litigation threats all over the place.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt makes me think of Shakespeare\u2014Macbeth to be exact,\u201d said Romney. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Life \u2026 is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShakespeare and Macbeth must be Democrats,\u201d said Cruz.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About that time I sneezed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWho are you and what are you doing here?\u201d barked McConnell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m just a guy sitting in a corner,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou vote?\u201d asked Cracker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYep,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFor who?\u201d Cruz asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy daddy always said there were three things you didn\u2019t tell: how much money you make, where you caught your fish, and who you voted for,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPay no attention to the man in the corner,\u201d Romney said. \u201cGuys, we all know that Trump has a relaxed relationship with the truth. If we want the nation to heal, we\u2019ve got to do better than that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

McConnell smirked. \u201cThen why don\u2019t you give us some words of wisdom, Catcher\u2019s Mitt.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDon\u2019t mind if I do, Turtle Neck,\u201d said Romney. \u201cTo quote Gerald R. Ford from 1974 after Nixon resigned and he became President: \u2018My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. Our Constitution works. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our great republic is a government of laws and not of men. Here, the people rule . . . let us restore the Golden Rule to our political process and let brotherly love purge our hearts of suspicion and of hate.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHarrumph,\u201d said McConnell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Graham belched. Cruz farted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mitt poured two drinks, brought one to me, and sat down. \u201cWhassup, cowboy?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAmerica\u2019s prospects for the future,\u201d I said. \u201cThat\u2019s what\u2019s up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and that\u2019s the view from The Balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Life Coach. He can be reached at randallsweeks@gmail.com.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I fell asleep again on The Balcony at City Grocery last Saturday. You\u2019d think by now I\u2019d know<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":262,"featured_media":39753,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11902],"tags":[10286,10878],"class_list":["post-107358","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-randy-weeks","tag-randy-weeks","tag-the-view-from-the-balcony"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/2017-5-11-View-from-the-Balcony.jpg?fit=600%2C400&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/107358","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/262"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=107358"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/107358\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/39753"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=107358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=107358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thelocalvoice.net\/oxford\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=107358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}