Published on October 17th, 2019 | by Randy Weeks0
View from the Balcony: “Halloween: Don’t Mess Up When You Dress Up” by Randy Weeks
When this edition of The Local Voice hits the streets you’ll still have two weeks to decide on a costume for Halloween 2019 and, in many cases, you’ve still got time to get what you need to make it happen.
I’ve always liked dressing up for Halloween. That probably goes back to my childhood when my two older sisters would outfit me in some of our mother’s clothes, put makeup on me, and paint my nails—fingers and toes. I also used to make my own Superman costume and fly through the house and off the front porch, a two-foot leap of faith if ever there was one. Then there’s my affinity for all things cowboy. But I digress.
For Halloween I stick to the tried and true: werewolves and vampires mostly. Several years ago I was a werewolf in a local Ten-Minute Play and got to come out on Halloween in full makeup. I added Elvis glasses. It was pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself, and I do. But these days I’m chiefly honed in on the vampire thing. I’ve got the regalia, including fangs that look totally real. (Actually I should say “fang”. Last year I left them on when I was drinking a glass of water and swallowed one of them. I kept watch for it, but it never showed up so I had to get a new set for this year.) Last year I also added white contact lenses that proved to be extremely scary. This year my contacts will be blood red.
Besides the traditional witches, spooks, princesses, pirates, heroes, and villains, what costumes would be good or bad for 2019? We’ll also see scarecrows, ninjas, hippies, Freddie Krueger, Chuckie, and probably a few fins. Spiderman and the Joker are predicted to be big this year, too.
Somebody always dresses up as the President. The scariest one of those I’ve ever seen was Richard Nixon. Jimmy Carter ran a close second. A Donald Trump costume could top both of those, depending on the comb over and the wind. And imagine if the faux Trump had a sidekick: a whistleblower that chased him all night long!
In the spirit of equal time, someone should pull out all the stops and dress up as the Democratic Presidential candidates—all of them at once. And how many heads would that monster have?
Nobody—and I mean that like Michael Joe Cannon says it—Noooooooobody should dress as an Ole Miss or a Mississippi State football player this year, lest they are ready to get beaten up by a third grader who could probably outplay them with one hand tied behind their back. If you want to be a football player be a real one like Anaiah Echols, the first girl to suit up as an Oxford Charger.
Shephard Smith is going to have to come up with a new outfit this time. For years he’s posed as a news anchor for Fox but got sick and tired of broadcasting real news and not the fake stuff. Maybe he could trick or treat in a lie detector costume.
By far there is one costume I wouldn’t even entertain donning in Oxford this year. It would be downright dangerous to step outside in this outfit. Grown men would shriek and run away if they didn’t attack first. Ole Miss students would beat the person within an inch of their life. Even children would throw up or pass out at the very sight of anyone dressed in this garb. Yes, it’s going to be the most bone chilling, blood curdling, cold sweat making, knee knocking, head spinning costume of the season—if anyone has the guts or is stupid enough to wear it.
What is this costume that should be anathema, verboten, forbidden? Woe to the person who dresses as a member of the Board of Trustees of the Mississippi State Institutions of Higher Learning! Talk about asking for trouble! Why would anyone with a functioning brain even think of doing something that would so obviously get them in hot water? But some ignoramus will most likely ignore the warnings and do what they want to do, no matter what. Well, if it’s a train wreck you want, it’s a train wreck you’ll get. As Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does,” and as Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.”
And that’s the view from The Balcony.