The Local Voice

The View From The Balcony: “Alternative Bowl Games”


The mass propagation of college football bowl games has reached the point of absurdity. Being chosen to play in some of the bowl games is almost comparable to getting a participation trophy on a six-year-old soccer team. So, let me pile on with some other bowl games we might want to see in coming years…

H & R Block Rebate Bowl: Accountants will do your taxes during the game. Every penalty gives you another deduction.

Ex-Lax Poo Bowl: No passing allowed—only runs.

Endo Pharmaceuticals Percocet Bowl: Nobody cares about the game, not even the players and coaches, but nobody cares that they don’t care about the game. Game? What game?

Victoria’s Secret Thong Bowl: No jock straps, only thongs. One string attached. No secrets here.

7-Eleven Crapshoot Bowl: Every play is determined by a roll of the dice.

Maker’s Mark Bourbon Bowl: Players and coaches take shots for every point scored. Also known as the Pass Out Bowl.

Kleenex Snot Bowl: The field has a gentle soaking of green slime.

United States Postal Service Slow Delivery Bowl: Every pass is thrown behind the receiver—WAY behind the receiver.

Little Caesar’s Brute Bowl: Players and coaches et tu slices of pizza after each possession.

Tampax Tampon Bowl: Players pay homage to women’s rights. I’ll let you speculate on exactly how. 

Green Giant Pea Bowl: All post-touchdown celebrations are required to be some variation of a pee-pee dance.

YellaWood Coward Bowl: Defensive players carry two-by-fours and threaten the offense to make a play.

Fleet Colon Cleanse Bowl: Free pre-game, halftime, and post-game enemas.

American Airlines Flight Delay Bowl: For every five minutes the game clock moves forward it moves back two.

Vick’s Cough Drops Phlegm Bowl: Players and coaches must have a chest cold to qualify. Extra points for sputum. 

Cisco Systems Pancho Bowl: Helmets are replaced with sombreros.

Trojan Prophylactic Bowl: Players required to wear latex body suits.

Apple Adam & Eve Bowl: Players’ uniforms are made of fig leaves.

Sound Off Muffler Poot Bowl: All signals to hike the ball must be made by the quarterback’s flatulence. The football is inflated with methane. Try farting “Omaha” Peyton.

3M M-M-Mel Bowl: Stutter plays abound. The time clock starts and stops randomly. Half-time show is 100 Mel Tillis impersonators singing “M-M-M-My Sharona”.

Oscar Meyer Cocktail Weenie Bowl: All players are Pee Wee Herman look-a-likes.

Exxon Valdez Bowl: Field is soaked in crude oil.

General Electric Lit Up Bowl: Helmets topped with flashing disco balls. Vodka replaces Gatorade. Yee-haw!

Hoover Vacuum Suckin’ Bowl: The worst players in the NCAA make up two teams of losers.

Tesla Recall Bowl: Every play is under review.

Texas Instruments Cattle Prod Bowl: Uniform pants equipped with electric shock devices in the butt, remotely controlled by geeks in the coaches’ box.

T-Mobile Trailer Park Bowl: Game intermittently interrupted by tornadoes, floods, and hail. Players must be visibly missing at least three teeth.

Siemens IUD Bowl: Quarterbacks protected from penetration.

Budweiser Beer Bowl: Helmets replaced with 48-ounce beer caps, refilled twice each quarter and three times at halftime.

Gibson Guitar Pickin’ & Grinnin’ Banjo Bowl: Uniforms replaced by overalls. Halftime show is a reunion of the surviving cast members of “Hee-Haw”.

Uber Doobie Bowl: Marijuana breaks for players, coaches, and fans after every first down. The halftime show? You guessed it: The Doobie Brothers.

Home Depot Nuts & Bolts Bowl: Cleats replaced by actual nuts and bolts.

Fox Fair & Balanced Bowl (aka, Fantasy Football): Blatantly biased officials who change allegiances at the drop of a flag. Must have officiated at least 6 Alabama games.

Xerox Copycat Bowl: Players have identical uniforms with the same number.

International Paper Origami Bowl: Footballs for the kicking game replaced with those little paper triangles junior high boys make to play football in math class.

Tidy Bowl Toilet Bowl: The two teams with the worst records meet on the gridiron. Winners celebrate by getting flushed through a giant waterslide that looks like a toilet.

I’ll stop there…for now.

…and that’s the view from The Balcony.

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