Satire

Published on February 6th, 2017 | by Warren Hines

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The Facts of Warren Hines’ Life by Warren Hines

It’s been such a wild January . . .

I don’t know where to begin, but let’s see where I can start. After reading my last column in The Local Voice online, Lachlan Murdoch called me up and offered me a $5 million advance on my memoir through Harper Collins. He told me he didn’t even mind the threatening messages I had sent him at various media outlets associated with his company. He said, “Warren, you have balls. I like balls.”

It wasn’t too long after that—my good buddy Jason Day had seen an iPhone video I sent him of a four-hundred yard drive I made here in fabulous Mississippi. Well, it was no time before I was on a charter plane to Torrey Pines—as Jason’s guest of course. On the eighteenth hole, I lobbed it into the woods, where a California black bear stalked out in front of me, beating his chest. I had no choice but to beat the bear senseless, rendering him unconscious and leaving me to make a critical Albatross score on the par five, eighteenth hole! It was incredible. The next thing I know—Titleist bought me an island in the Bahamas in exchange for an entire line of Warren Hines luxury golf gear, so I obviously took the sponsorship.

It didn’t stop there. President Trump was so wildly impressed with my dark-horse victory at Torrey Pines that I was put on the short list for a prominent position in the state department. After many senior officials walked away from their positions—which will ultimately be managed by Rex Tillerson—I became short-listed for the United States Ambassador to Australia! Tillerson called me up himself after a young friend of his son’s had forwarded my most recent column. He said, “F*ck it, Warren, we need people of all sorts of viewpoints to handle our overseas interests. I respect the fact that you would challenge my directions as Secretary of State. I mean, shit! You’ve spent more time in the Australian mining country than anybody else who’s been mentioned.”

Well, what could I do, but call up my pal, Ash Grunwald to say, “It looks I’m going to be the American Ambassador to Australia.” Nobody else in the Trump administration could actually point the continent out on a map . . . I was a shoo-in! We hopped in Day’s personal airplane and next thing I know, we’re all sky-diving outside of Cyclops, south of Esperance, boards in hand for the most epic surf session of my life! As I smoothly landed onto the froth after riding the barrel through a 13-foot wave, a great white shark hopped out of the water, chomping at me. I punched the shark in the eye and continued to catch several more waves.

As the helicopter dropped a rope ladder for us to climb, the shark returned. We all climbed hastily into the chopper, barely in time to escape its leap. He swallowed the rope ladder in one massive chomp as we narrowly escaped his fierce jaws. There was a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle waiting for us. As we passed it back and forth, we all shouted and offered up toasts. “This is going to be the greatest job I’ve ever had!” I announced with a swill of expensive bourbon warming me up from the Antarctic waters.

I’m sorry to say that this will be my last column for The Local Voice, as the duty to serve my country will have me pretty far afield for the next three weeks until Trump’s impeachment trial begins.

Well, anyway, good luck to everybody in Mississippi. If you need me, I’ll be whipping up on Jason Day in golf and hitting some killer waves while I finish my memoir and go shell-hunting with my wife near our new compound in the Bahamas. You might consider locating a person with a brain who serves in our Jackson government and suggest that MAC not be handed over to a mindless gubernatorial puppet bureaucracy, but why the f*ck would I care? I’m having the time of my life!

This column has been brought to you by Alternative Facts. The Local Voice Ligature

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One Response to The Facts of Warren Hines’ Life by Warren Hines

  1. Ian says:

    Goodbye Warren, we’ll miss your column but more importantly your moxy!

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