Since absolutely no one asked for it, I decided to write this issue’s Gimme Some Truth as an advice column wherein I would dole out absolutely horrible advice to people because I’m of the mind that thinks that kind of crap is pretty funny. Much to my surprise I actually enjoyed giving advice and the comedic aspect of this endeavor quickly fell by the wayside as I snidely assumed the air of moral superiority that is required of all politicians, religious leaders and advice column writers. Problem was, I needed some questions. Being the resourceful guy I am (read: lazy hack of a writer) I turned to an old friend of mine, The Internet. I can’t promise you that all of the questions I received were serious in nature but that didn’t stop me from responding anyway.
Also, it should be noted that I am a grown-ass man who can barely take care of himself so it should go without saying that I am not licensed in any way whatsoever to help you with your personal calamities. Indeed, following my advice may actually worsen your current state of screwed-uppedness. Heed with caution.
Let’s get it on!
Q: I am moving to Oxford and will be attending Ole Miss as a freshman this fall. This being my first college experience I am a little nervous. I have visited Oxford a couple of times before but didn’t really get to go out much since me and most of my friends were underage at the time. What should I expect from Oxford?
A: That depends on you, really. I don’t know anything about you but there are things to do if doing things is your thing. We have tons of sports related stuff here; everything from tennis courts to a skate park (a really nice one too). We have a pretty good movie theatre. If you’re a reader then you’re in luck because books and places to read them are everywhere. You may have heard that Oxford is the “cultural Mecca” of Mississippi, and there’s some truth to that (despite the best efforts of certain Oxford politicians and theologians). As far as music goes, we have tons of great local bands (bluegrass to punk to jazz) and a few venues that let them play, though most are 21 and up. We’ve got great art galleries. I’m starting to sound like I’m trying to sell you something so I’ll cut it short. The best advice I can offer you is to watch your drinking. The bars here card very hard so don’t even try. Roadblocks are prevalent so don’t drive if you’ve been drinking because 1) the cops will catch you, and 2) it’s exceptionally stupid to drink and drive. I certainly do not condone underage drinking, but if you absolutely must then please, please, please don’t make a nuisance of yourself because you will go to jail. The cops here do not screw around.
Q: Is it better to burn out or to fade away?
A: I really want to tell you it’s better to fade away but just look at people like the Rolling Stones and Elton John. Neither have been relevant in decades, and that’s a cosmic shame seeing as how they were once pretty cool. These days cool wouldn’t touch the Rolling Stones with a ten-foot pole and Elton John is doing Disney soundtracks which, y’know, sucks. But on the other hand I can’t blame an artist for following his muse to whatever strange places it might lead him. I don’t know. Ask Elvis’ fat, bloated, dead-on-a-toilet corpse.
Q: When plagiarizing a paper, how do I best conceal the fact that it is plagiarized?
A: Dude, I’m totally going to rat on you, brah.
Q: Do you support the smoking ban?
A: Okay, there are a couple of things wrong with this question. One, you’re not asking for advice and two, we’re really flogging this dead horse. However, since I’m hard up for questions I’ll play ball this one time. I see both sides of this issue and have mixed feelings regarding it. On the one hand, I’m a bartender and a non-smoker so I enjoy being able to work in an environment that doesn’t make me smell like your Aunt Linda’s ashtray, but on the other hand I’m not a fascist pig. So I’m torn.
Q: Recently I seem to have noticed that people I meet around the Square seem to give me the cold shoulder. I even think I notice them gesturing obscenely or pointing at me when my back is turned. Before my recent development project, an impressive three-tiered combination church/titty-bar/condo complex built on the spot where the courthouse once stood in the center of the Square, I seemed to have many friends. I think all these people are jealous of my success. I’ve tried the usual attempts at making up and relating to them; getting drunk and loud at the City Grocery, parking my Hummer in two spaces instead of my normal three on the Square, and even fronting cash to my coke dealer before he has the blow on hand. What gives? My normally crisply-starched Tommy Bahama shirt is starting to stain after many days of exposure to social anxiety induced sweat. Now even the colored folks that do my laundry are getting pissed at me! Help!
A: You are a perfect example of everything that is wrong with Oxford. The only chance you have for redemption is suicide. Do whatever it is you have to do to shuffle off your mortal coil. The honor of your family name depends upon it.
So that does it. Feel free to send me your questions on life, the universe and everything and maybe I’ll write another one of these things. If I use your question you’ll receive approximately nothing save for perhaps me getting drunk and hitting on your girlfriend at the bar. I do that sometimes, and I refuse to apologize for how God made me.
