Step 1 – Dress the Part
This is a great place to start as your appearance speaks volumes about your mind’s inner workings, and if you’re serious about being a moron you aren’t particularly skilled in oration anyway. Concentrate on fashion. If you already stress out over something as trivial as fashion, congratulations! You’re well on your way to being an idiot! As with all things in life, your environment dictates what is and is not appropriate. But just ignore all that because you’re an idiot. For example, when venturing into public you should wear a white baseball cap at all times. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to the bar or a bar mitzvah. White baseball caps say it all; “I’m boring, I’m predictable, I’m generic and will, under the right circumstances, date rape you.” Wear cargo shorts in February. Care about things like corporate logos and brand names. If you’re a guy, primp in front of a mirror and obsess about your appearance but don’t forget to pop that collar so it looks like you don’t. Use body spray. Frost your tips.
Step 2 – Maintain A Constant Buzz
None of that pansy weekend warrior crap for you! You must get lit up like Liberace’s Christmas tree coated in napalm on a daily basis. Start early. Shoot tequila, smoke a bowl, and snort a mountain of coke before suppertime. Then drive. It doesn’t matter where you drive just so long as you have no regard for other people on or off the road. If you can, try to kill somebody with your reckless behavior. You haven’t truly arrived as a moron until somebody dies, you go to jail, and your idiot friends show up at your arraignment in droves to lend moral support. Also, no one will believe how wasted you are unless you’re loud about how many drugs you do. And you must be loud about it so that you can attract what no idiot is complete without: the coke whore.
Step 3 – Date A Coke Whore
The next time you’re at a party try to find the girl who behaves the most like Paris Hilton. Casually mention that you’ve got a pocket full of blow and off you go on a parade of dysfunction and high drama! Keeping a coke whore is no problem as long as you can keep her in drugs so remember to feed that monkey. Ideally, your relationship with a coke whore should start off with just a touch of co-dependency but with the proper amount of alienation and a few well-placed fat jokes she should be acting like Sharon Stone during the last 30 minutes of “Casino” in no time. Now you’re a power couple and power couples get tons of attention, and that’s what being an idiot is all about really. Demanding attention and then not knowing what to do with it. Jimmy Kimmel made a career out of it.
Step 4 – Hate Art
Morons don’t appreciate art of any kind so if you want to stand out from the knuckle-dragging herd you have to despise art in all of its forms. Your favorite movie should be a safe bet but still have a phony “edge” about it. Think “A Clockwork Orange” or, better yet, “Scarface.” According to MTV’s “Cribs” rappers love that movie and since every rapper that’s ever been on “Cribs” is an idiot I am forced to conclude that only idiots call it their favorite. You should own Jack Johnson CD’s because if he isn’t trying to undermine music as an art form then I just don’t know what the hell. Embrace crunk. Refer to people at art galleries as “fags.” “Maxim” should be the most cerebral book you touch. Compare Conor Oberst to Bob Dylan. Comedians like Adam Corolla, Dane Cook, and Carlos Mencia should make you chuckle but Larry the Cable Guy should be the yardstick by which you measure all things comedic. You should marvel at his vaguely racist, homophobic, and sexist musings and accuse his detractors of being “uptight.” Hoot and holler like a maniac whenever he throws out his “git ‘er done” catchphrase. I don’t care where you’re from, that’s funny. Speaking of catchphrases…
Step 5 – Wear Out Every Catchphrase Ever
Any moron worth his salt knows that if something is funny once, it’s funnier when repeated ad nauseam. Remember how funny “Napoleon Dynamite” was? Well, that was nothing compared to how funny it was for months and months when you couldn’t take five steps without hearing someone quote-raping it to death. Past examples of good catchphrases include “I’m Rick James, bitch,” “Shake and bake,” and the always hilarious “WHAT!?” The beauty of a good catchphrase is that it can be broken out whenever one feels the urge, seemingly at random. No time is inappropriate for copying people more creative than you so feel free to take advantage of that fact like this fellow:
John Q Public: “So it wound up taking thirty minutes for us to get our appetizers. I’ve had bad service before but-“
Idiot: “You’re my boy, Blue!! Aa-hahahaha!”
John Q Public: “Huh? What does that have to do with-“
Idiot: “I gotta have more cowbell!”
So there you have it. Take these tips to heart and you’ll be out-dumbing the masses like Fred Durst at a MENSA meeting. Huzzah!
